On the account of year 2014:

 At times it was hard, stressful and nerve-wrecking, but yet to the most part - interesting, successful and enjoyable. I am endlessly grateful for:

- my family's and my health,

- for the great work and study opportunities that presented and those that I grabbed after careful consideration (if only it was possible to be cloned and try more! :) ),

- for trips to Utah, Slovenia, Italy and California we took as a family of 3. For a crazy trip to Vegas that we took together just like in the good old times;

- for my wise, kind and amazing husband who tolerated me all these times when I did something insane again, opened my big mouth when I should not have, and never suggested to get divorced when I talked about plans for our future,

- for most wonderful Dr. Chill, who is incredibly bright, handsome, wit and has been our home's Sunshine for a year and 4 months now. He's a whole Universe and a miracle of his own; I could just watch him doing something new, hear him sing or say "mamamamammaaa" or "papapapaaaa" for minutes. At the same time, when I'm with him,  I always hear a countdown in my head - he's getting older, and this is irreversible, so hurry to by his mommy NOW.

- my family who helped and supported me, with Dr. Chill and in trips. A part of the family was around most of the year and had to bear with me more, a part of the family could now cross the Atlantics to see their grandson, and a part of the family simply kept their health stable this year - and I do appreciate all of it;

- all those few dozens of books I've read, and all the movies I've seen, all the museums and exhibitions I've been to. The more I discover about this world the more I realize how tiny, insignificant and immaterial I am :) And that is one of the things that pushes me forward.
And yes, I did enjoy re-discovering books by Strugatskie this year, as well as The Outliers - the latter confirmed I have been moving in the right direction all along.

Not every line item out of 20 of my 2014 Real Plans was fulfilled, but most important - were completed. I've also decided to never state a goal in a form that would include a 3rd party in an active voice. That is, to set a goal about something that is out of my control( even looking at friends or family). My list of goals for 2015 thus looks more... achievable though not easier.
16 new items - completely new and not overlapping with 2014 list, except, perhaps, new books to be read :)

And when I look at it I have a dual feeling of, from one hand, headbanging upon the wall - because I have no idea how to fill in all of this stuff into 365 days and keeping my sanity and health, and realizing I do not have enough resources for all of it,  or - that it has to either be a 2nd child or trips outside of town.
But from the other hand - I feel  that all these 16 goals, if achieved, will create the right pivoting point in my life, especially since it seems that my old life is cracking and falling apart, starting on the material level and now spreading on to people. And if I know myself well enough...

Hosting The Grand Family Reunion -

- starts with cooking insanity. It's good NOT to be the only kid in your family when expecting your family to join for dinner...

And to have an awesome son of your own who can stand on a chair beside you, take out peeled vegetables out of bowl and put them on your cutting board. Does save a lot of effort :)

And a Sis who, apart from helping with cooking, also helps with cleaning and brings upstairs part by part, a Queen-size bed.

And I do have a new work space in the house, with a bit more natural light and (it is important) behind closed doors. Bunch of drawers in my desk finally provide some space for proper arranging study books, pens and highlighters, language study books and CDs; so I do have a place to keep my hand lotion and my agenda close at hand too :) 

Note to self: buy a Yellow agenda for year 2016!

A major thing that hasn't been completed yet is the roof work. While the weather is obviously not cooperating, the fact that the roof team shows up on Monday morning, right after the snowfall, on Tuesday morning the actual roof materials get delivered and placed on the rooftop, and on Wednesday the solar panels team pays up a visit not being exactly sure why they were called in by their manager and leave without take off any of the solar panels - make my eyebrows jump up beyond my will. An exciting quest of placing 4 adults somewhere  for a whole day is coming.

Meanwhile my own belongings keep breaking, tearing and disappearing, and above all - fully used up, and this is becoming more and more intriguing.

And in addition to the last post,

during the weekend I discovered my wallet tore in half, I ran out of two cosmetic products and while packing up laptop, note pad and books into a larger bag (as I was planning to spend the coming Monday in the Library) - the bag's handle tore as well. The Universe continues to vigorously clean up space for improvements in my life :)

Apart from this though, I spend a couple of hours at the playground, finished all remaining Simulations and started going over the homework again, finished 3rd Unit of my drawing course(my human face even looks somewhat like a human face), cooked, played the piano (both in duet with Dr. Chill and solo :) ), finished the Outliers (and had a revolutionary thought upon finishing the last chapter, and recommended it to Von Zobel so passionately he did copy it to his mp-3 for swimming), bought some clothing for the upcoming vacation (an impulsive purchase, but I'm almost sure my summer dresses, tops and shorts are already conspiring an act of... perishing, given what's happening to my things lately), started 2 new books, completed a bunch of the-usual-weekend-tasks-not-worth-mentioning, and topped off Sunday with a second seafood dinner this week (this time not corporate though :) ). 

Now I'm listening to the December rain outside, with a thick book open, nail polish chipped from opening the mussels and the actual mussels creating a happy warmth in my tummy :) and feel content, happy about where I am, and ready for another 7 days of running up the ice hill. 

The shell is cracking.

In the past couple of weeks I've been keeping losing objects - in one way or another - that I would use a lot. My old clothes gets completely ruined all out of sudden, I run out of cosmetics and makeup - several products in the same short period of time, things stretch, fade, break - so they become unusable and can only be thrown away.

I guess part of it can be explained by the fact that I am an anti-hoarder and at all times I  keep only the necessary set of good quality things that I know I'll use regularly, and only get new items when replacement is needed. That can explain running out of a set of eyeshadow, a lipstick, a bottle of perfume and a body lotion simultaneously :) But it does not explain running out of ink in 3 pens in a row within about 10 days. Or - my weekly agenda has a couple of pages left because, obviously, it's second half of December. But nothing explains why, for instance, half of my clothes become unwearable  :)

There's no scientific reason for it, but it's almost as if getting on a new pattern of thinking, feeling and self-realization changes my daily surroundings, at least those that I touch a lot. Or that now that my own energy flow changed, it started to re-shape the material world outside. To start with cracking the old shell and eventually breaking it.
It is the first time this is happening - at least in such an obvious way,  but I'd like to think I'm right at figuring out the reason.

I found myself sitting at the Parents Night,

surprised not so much with the act that I found time to attend, but the fact that I am actually here.

That it is time.

That for all these years Parents' Night was something to attend for my own mother (not that she would show up much since I was ten), parents of my classmates and  friends, and now my friends and their own children, and colleagues and their children... and now they came for me

I am ready to do this for the next 20 years; or a little longer if everything goes as planned :) I do like the idea that for the next couple of decades I will be doing certain things that will not bring immediate reward or will be appreciated neither by the immediate beneficiary nor by my family on the whole, but yet I will know that they will yield lots of benefits in the long run, will make my role in my family most efficient and my time I spend with them most productive. I know the right things to be done, and I will follow through. And being selfish as I am - can't help thinking that it will be a great training on becoming a smarter, wiser, quicker, stronger person.

Speaking of children - in plural - I keep hearing occasional voices of the world outside my head, saying that having children - in plural - with a small difference in age is a tough enterprise. That it  is a difficult, exhausting and overall yacky experience that would slow you down and mess up your life. That as a woman you have to realize you can't have it all and need to get your priorities straight: is what you want more a family or career? Serving other people around you or achieving your own goals? Making sure your children are enrolled in sports and take dancing classes or being able to afford to travel altogether with your family?  Having your left arm or right arm?  I giggle when I hear all these voices outside-my-head - what in the world can they know! -  but I almost feel sorry for those women they get to.

And as earlier today, at lunch, I was sitting at the same table with quite a few interesting people I felt very lucky for having crossed my path with those who can inspire and prove with their own experience that there are plenty of options in life - just stretch your arm out. It is possible to have a large family and be a professional and  one of the leaders in your area. It is possible to go through the trouble of getting all the necessary education and help provide all necessary education to your children later in life. It is possible to get to the level where you can be friends with your top clients and continue living a busy social life. It is possible to go to the mountains for skiing and raizor rides at the age of seventy, and take trips around the world or bike to Alaska at the age of seventy. And feel good in your skin, and be happy.

Just aim at it.

Two little conclusions of this week

1. When you're planning to paint on glass it's best to to buy special paint for working on glass :) Otherwise the paint smears and looks diluted and uneven.

2. When you're buying a pot to be painted, for another plant - get into the habit of buying the saucer at the same time already!

While pulling the trash bin from the driveway into the garage

Noticed a little envelope taped to the lid, with  Happy Holidays! written on it.
And a small Season's greeting card inside.
With a poem and wishes of Happy Holidays.
From our trash collector guy.
Wow.

*****

Putting together reciprocal Greetings, for next week :)
But still - wow!

Actually, I feel quite content with myself by the results of the past week.

Apart from cooking :) I managed to complete all important tasks planned for the past week, rolling forward only a few minor things that can be completed this week and keeping on with my studies.

The second important thing is that I managed to make it to gym every workday.

Now, let's do the same for this week! My agenda's already filled for first 1/2 of the week, to-do list goes through every single line...

It turns out that in two days of the weekend Von Zobel & I

can actually cook a pile of food. Looking at it now asking ourselves what had gotten into us...

Oh.... evil, cynical, despicable "West"...

First they imposed sanctions against Russia. Now they pushed down oil prices to bring chaos to Russian economy. Every step they take - is a conspiracy and a threat. Everyone not willing to bow before the hat on the pole unconditionally run geopolitics in Russia's favor - is an enemy.

"Russians are believed to have taken more than $100bn (£64bn; €81bn) out of the country this year and Mr Putin promised an amnesty for anyone choosing to bring their money back.

He said that they would face no questions over how they had earned it."

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30322198

"We have a huge internal market and resources... capable, intelligent people," he said. "Our people have demonstrated national strength, patriotism - and the difficulties we are facing create new opportunities".

Condemning the "pure cynicism" of the West, he suggested that even if Crimea had not been annexed, the West would have come up with a different pretext to impose sanctions to contain Russia's resurgence."

Not to question the abovementioned intelligence of people in question, but... how come they still buy all this?! I also believe any random American middle or upper class citizen, educated, polite and self-sufficient, - would be incredibly surprised to discover that sometime in between discussing Obamacare and Immigration reform they are also supposed to be plotting sabotage for Russia.

A good way to lose 40 minutes

is to "just stop by Hobby Lobby for a second to get a flower pot".

And in 10 minutes find yourself standing in  Scrapbooking section and 1/2 of the store is on sale.

In another 30 minutes I realized apart from the flower pot I was also holding some clear files for scrapbooking pages and a notepad for sketches. A crazy girl in a crazy world... From teh other hand, this is somewhat an improvement from about 5 years ago when I walked out with 10kg of pottery clay...

But now I start thinking of my Granny's rough amber necklace that could use a leather string, and maybe a few other deco pieces.
And I'm running out of some colours of my acrylic paint supply. And those pastel crayons looked great.
And then there was that acoustic guitar on sale in Costco...
Does this condition have a cure, I wonder?

Just yesterday I had a brief conversation about the toddler weight curve

and how it has to be pushed up, or rather - there is no way it was not pushed up. For seeing a drop from 25 percentile to "a little under 15 percentile" in 1 year is a little misleading when you look at a little guy who still has his real biceps :) and has an appetite of a young growing man :) (knocking on the wood).
On the other hand, I strongly suspect he has inherited his father's genes when it comes to body and metabolism.
However, he was not born in a family committed to Vegetarianism or Paleo diet either.

And just this morning I realized my clothes size in a couple of stores I usually shop at is XS. With some XS tops actually being lose underarms - which should be impossible and unnatural given my height, body type and the fact that my ribcage was the only part of my body that did not restore to its pre-natal size after childbirth.
I am pro- adjusting standards when it comes to an average body type, body image, fashion, health, technology, education. Pret-a-porter are in the constant evolution mode, it would be stupid not to use the modern average body type for today's production (and the average body type is hardly ever used, but it's a whole different story). But when in 7 years I go from M (for length or height) to XS - the evolution must be speeding up in geometrical  progression :)
This is misleading. This is so misleading I don't see where it is going.

First, I just realized it is actually year 2014.

While writing down my goals, it did finally get to me it is year 2014. The end of 2014. Ten years ago - ten bloody years ago!!! - I was already a student at a high end European University, and at this time of the year in 2014 I was finishing up my first official work at a big Five Star Swiss Delux hotel. Ten years ago.

Second, - and this is most shallow and superficial, but as an integral part of my life now is worth saving for my offsprings :)  - I've just thought about how great it is to have a strong willpower that would keep you from eating in the evening. That is, this thought crossed my mind after I actually kept myself from eating in the evening. :)  Me. Feeling good about having and using willpower. Embracing-the-possibility-of-being-a-person-without-control-over-my-own-mind!  Dear 17 y.o. me, did you even hear that?! :)

O-la-la-la-la....

(found at http://www.photographersdirect.com/buyers/stockphoto.asp?imageid=1180138 )

One of those weeks

when you feel like all your time and energy are spent on supporting activities to the most extent and that still required a 100% input. In short -  lots of useful things were done, but not too much progress made.

I wish there was a way to outsource an impromptu coaching of an insurance company as well as  large airline on how to handle claims that are almost 1 year old, and how to escalate issues when your partners are not replying to your emails for over 6 months...

Or a way to delegate very meaningful conversations at tire shops after 2 hours of wait. No, there is no way my winter tires can be that bald after 2 seasons. No, these all-season tires are way more warn out than mine would too. You know what? If these tires came off this car - great, because this is not my car either. No, I do not drive a Subaru. No, I have no idea where my car is or where my key is, I did leave the key with you. Yes, I do hope too the car will be found quickly and that the owner of that Subaru did not leave in it. :)

Or - talking with half a dozen people in an insurance company to simply check if they partner with a certain hospital, and still not being able to find anyone who could confirm this.
Or running around from teacher to administration of the daycare trying to find brand new winter boots sz 4-5 that were, doubtlessly, grabbed by someone by mistake and, doubtlessly, were still not recognized as a pair that does not belong to their child.

On the bright side, I did enjoy being part of a wonderful romantic dinner at a French Bistro and a movie night out, seeing new Hunger Games. That will count as November events & outings. :)

On the not-sure-how-I-feel-about-it side, the estimated cost of all the activities for  continuing education and self-development  is  about $10K. For some reason, none of those people who talk about setting goals advise to pick goals that are within your current budget :) I guess once I am established as a world-known greatest Life Coach I will have quite a few new concepts to bring in :)

DOOM

As Von Zobel was watching me taking a 10 minute stress management break, chasing monsters with a shotgun, I remember a little anecdote I had to tell him.

DOOM-II was quite a popular game when I was about 8; I played it on my uncle's computer when I access to it was granted to me :) and I knew a few more kids who played it too. However, we all were in groups learning English as the second language, we were of course interested in understanding the name of the game - but we could not.
Because none of the dictionaries we could get our hands on had the word.
I can't remember what the deal was with the English-speaking adults around, the teachers of English or IT in school, but the fact was - we could not dig up the word anywhere.
So then we decided, that the word "DOOM" must be made up specifically for this game (yep, because if something is not in a dictionary for school-aged kids it simply does not exist!), and - that it is a combination of the words DOor and roOM (because you have to move through corridors between all sorts of rooms with monsters, and open all sorts of doors!).
Makes perfect sense, right?

...It was in a couple of years when either my best friend got a computer WITH internet connection, or I inherited a huge Oxford English dictionary from ex-owners of our new apartment, or we got one of our computers in computer lab hooked up to Internet at school... that we did at some point look up the word.
The meaning was definite, but somewhat disappointing.

"The feeling of relief and optimist is brought to you this morning by... your doctor!"

Indeed. As I was walking out of the doctor's office I got a hint of that long forgotten feeling that changes to better are yet to be seen just around the corner. Such a touch of anticipation of great outcome for whatever comes along. I did need it back, just like a reminder that I am strong and have quite some work to do, and just as I still need a good laughter. I should visit my Doctors more often. 

Meanwhile, in the next hour I finally made it to Korean and Russian stores after months of planning, and stocked up on duck and rabbit meats, liver and chicken gizzards, squid, pomegranates and persimmons, smoked cold cuts, churchkhela, khalva and Russian marshmallows. Yay to gastronomic diversity!

And then there were studies,  and more studies at Toyota center while waiting for my little tank, drinking green tea, eating those Russian marshmallows and trying hard not to fall asleep but to keep reading about GAAS and IAS. Oh, it must have been GAAS and IAS  that were making me so sleepy... Spent the last hour before picking up Dr. Chill at the Library, studying again and feeling happy about having a place to hang out at and save commute time. Dr. Chill has had a great day too: due to one of the teachers getting sick and the last moment redistribution of kids he ended up playing with his old friend all afternoon. It's amazing how those two little guys can form friendship and remember each other after 2 weeks at such a young age. I always thought socials bonds and memories is something children develop by the age of 3 or so.

Now that it's a little break between exams, I'll need to finish my little life clean up project I've been postponing for  a week. Every time i am about to start, I realize I can't get rid of most of my clothes, because I don't know for sure what I will do in the next 6 months :) and I don't know if some of those books will be of use to me again, and if I ever have time on the plane to read all those National Geographic and Smithsonian magazines...  And cleaning up people and relationships looks even worse. I am a compulsive relationship hoarder :)
But just as I start, and then will get a taste of it...

A long angry post about gender specifics of sharing life experience and emphasizing values in womens' blogs could have been published here.

But there will be none.
Because after 10 minutes of reflecting on virtual paper I realized I was reinventing the wheel and boiled it all down to a short advice.

If you are a female in urgent need of inspiration in any part of your life - do go read Forbes or the Economist. Do NOT search for life inspiring examples or tips in blogs and amateur articles of women who belong to your Zone of Proximal Development.
For gender hell breaks loose in their blogs...

The cure.

I love days when absolutely everything is in my favour. I get up earlier than usual, there is no traffic on the way to daycare and back, the study material gets organized and memorized ok by the brain :), there is no line at the gas station (and that calls for some special star alliance I'd say), I get in and out of stores in a minute, with precisely what I was looking for, and the coupons work even if they were not supposed to, and a nail polish of precisely the colour I want gets founded, and the hormones are down, and the dinner gets cooked quickly and easily, and jogging is quite bearable, and the new book I started is so enjoyable!
Days like this save a tremendous amount of time and energy. :)

And then there are days when I have the weirdest dreams and I can't figure them out, and the morning is freezing and grey, and I feel lost and can't focus, and then miss gym because the insurance agent needs to stop by and take a look at the solar panels at a short notice.

And the best cure to this is not to wait for it all to end, but to twist the course of the day and let my little hooligan out. To do something irrational, unpredictable, and unexpected,  stick out the tongue and giggle. Then the universe shakes a little, things fall back into their places, but the day continues on a new trajectory, thoughts and body get lighter, the head becomes clearer, the smile stretches wider.

13 minutes of demotivation.

He is amazing. And his talk about drug addiction, depression, celebrities, health - is amazing. Life works in such a mysterious way that no intelligence, no talents, no hard work can protect you from yourself if one day not all pieces of puzzle fit well.

No happy ever-after is guaranteed when you're fully self-made, talented and smart. No crowd fills in the endless solitude within. There is no logic in suffering from depression and being stuck with bipolar disorder when your works and acting itself can prevent postpartum depression.

I hope he copes and feels much better. He just has to.

"A child born in 2013 will cost a middle-income American family an average of $245,340"

George Schneider, http://seekingalpha.com/article/2440395-invest-wisely-or-prepare-for-sticker-shock-a-message-for-all-parents

Lovely. Now I don't have an excuse not to become a millionaire by 2015 :)

It is October 24th

And I walk home from gym with my hair completely wet. If anyone told me 15 years ago I could be walking with my hair wet wearing sport flip-flops end of October - I wouldn't have believed it.

What would my end-of-October look like in another 15 years? Walking home from gym in a hat and a jacket, or a summer dress? =)

On the more stable side... I can still do 5K. I've always suspected I'm somewhat a wonder woman...

Woman's intuition works in such a mysterious way

that it can drag you into a store you weren't even planning to set your foot in, and helps  you leave with 4 pairs of shoes.

For $120 total.
Saving 2/3 on this whole purchase.

Should listen to my intuition more often.

Ok, I got it.

Knowing that  I am a weird and unpredictable type of a person with a sophisticated character, and patience that tends to run out sometimes before a burning match goes out - God/Universe sent me my two absolutely perfect boys as my family.

The ocean is beautiful

the weather is great and the local fish for lunch is delicious. We've actually been very lucky with lunches: tried the best fish markets in the city for lunch and never been disappointed.  Dr. Chill was enjoying same white fish, grilled veggies and salad or jasmine rice we had, all with good appetite of growing young man :) Naturally, we were adjusting our menus to what a young toddler could eat, but it was well worth it!

I'm endlessly happy we made it to San Diego; it's been a while we travelled outside of Denver. Four long months to be exact.  Now we have a few day chance to reboot mind, enjoy the view of the ocean and being covered in sand, and driving along the coastline with no specific destination set, getting out of the car when we see a beach we like. That is not to mention more down-to-earth perks of our trip, like free beer at night  "receptions" in the hotel and amazing playgrounds, and the mere fact that no one got sick despite the chilly ocean wind every now and then.

All in all, no motivation will work without a high energy level. You can't push yourself go forward if you can't even stand up, and it is not procrastinating or being lazy, it is being paralyzed with fatigue when every breath is heavy and even lying in bed motionless your body feels like a deadweight.
No good motives will matter if I do not have resources to move forward.
When did I miss that?

First soup cooked in slow-cooker.

And yes, this is that authentic Russian soup that is only spelled using two letter in Russian, but in English goes under the intriguing name of Schtschi =)

All out of sudden I realized

the skin on my knuckles cracked and is bleeding. I've no idea when and how it happened, why the skin on my hand dried so quickly, and - how I am supposed to wrap this stuff at boxing tomorrow.

Apart from apparently being indifferent to light pain, I do not laugh either. I can't remember the last time I was laughing; laughing hard, to tears. And speaking about tears I can't remember the last time I cried either.

Several roofing contractors are in the community today, trying to sell roof work. Too late, too late. Everybody must have already had a contract signed and an estimate provided. But still 2-3 procrastinator are going from door to door: might be from the same company, might be competitors.

I am walking outside to the lawn and start cleaning it up, piling up the dry leaves and ramming them in a trash bag. Then I decide to do a good deed for today and clean up the leaves from our neighbour's part of the lawn - she seems to never have had time for this either. I look at two big trash bags, as the rain just starts to drip, - and think that I should not stop here, and do another good deed. For instance, I could put some candies in a bowl by the door, and stick a note to the door saying: "Hello! If you're here to offer help with roof inspection - Thank you! - but we've already contracted a team! Help yourself and good luck!"

A week till exam, and I work as hard as possible and do as many things as possible to burn all that nervous energy, so I can calm down by night.

My boots arrived this morning, so - hurray - I am ready for colder fall and winter weather! The only problem, after my Swiss boots it's not possible to be 100% happy with any other pair - there is always some tiny little bit of improvement that could have been done. I smile at myself thinking this puts me into the risk group for women who, in their thirties, point away their pinkies saying "Oooh! You understand, I can NOT drink bad coffee! No, I - literally on the physical level - CAN NOT wear such... bad clothes!".

Eyes dry.

6 months 24 days 23 hours  20 min 31 secs
http://www.genevemarathon.org/en/races

My lungs permitting and if everything else goes as planned, one day I might do 10K, or maybe, a Genevoise :) Not the coming year, of course... But some day.

On the agenda:

- complete roof replacement (the house was hit by hail so bad - it is a surprise that the window glass and solar panels did not crack);

- followed by gutters and window frame replacement;

- cleaning up the backyard and the lawn (again, after the hail the last tomatoes and zucchinis were destroyed almost to dust, and the trees and shrubs got a nice creative trim); 

- changing my hair colour;

- pulling myself up to higher score on practice tests. But still, not enough! This is not enough!!

- preparing for Art's transitioning to the next group (I also need to get him  a potty, warm fall shoes and boots, a bathroom step...)

- ordered 3 audio books by Strugatskye in Arapahoe LIbraries. Now that I think about it... what on Earth was I thinking?!...

- Planning new trips for the Q1 of 2015. 

- Crossing out line item #6 for Real Plans 2014. The life just transitioned to the Bucket List mode again. 

Getting my hands on paint - September project.

One day I'll get to the Christmas ornaments and the rest of the glass candle holders.

-What of music do you like?

- I don't listen to music.

- Why not? 

- Music evokes emotions.

- Emotions spawns genius...

- Emotions blur judgement!

                                 (LFN)

With all the indisputable genius of Fahrenheit 451 - one thing I found myself missing is the "future" projection of music and arts. Clearly, "bread and circuses" is always the easiest and cheapest way to sustain control over population; clearly - no thought-provoking education and behaviour would fit in, and the books have always been the first scapegoats under any dictatorship... but why aren't works of art and music recordings and scripts burnt just as fanatically? Neither, of course, will do much good without proper education about the historical and sociological context, the artists or composer's biography and history of the piece's creation, but they can still at least arise curiosity, can't they? Sparkle interest? A thought?

Anyhow, maybe more about this will follow in the second part of the book :) Another thing I really appreciate Bradbury done that did not ruin his work - is not bringing religion in the picture. As well as not pointing at The Enemy far in the distance, creating a typical dictator oppressing the nation.
A great feature of most mature books - the real enemy is not placed OUTSIDE of people.

Spain. Early 20th century. Born a woman? Enjoy!

Watching Gran Hotel and between learning to say: "Donde esta la carta?"  picking up some Spanish  - I can feel hair on my head move. What's scarier to be - a helpless rightless mother or a helpless rightless baby? An unwanted, unexpected baby. Almost killed right in the process of delivery. His mother almost killed in the process of his delivery - this time deliberately. And that's  not counting a potential abortion and mother's poisoning during pregnancy - but what's new there, really?

For a few miserable weeks the infant sleeps in an old chest, is wrapped in rugs, is left alone in the room, suffers severe malnutrition, co-sleeps with his Mom, never receives any medical attention or a single vaccination, is used for blackmailing,  kidnapped, freezes up in the woods during a thunderstorm and eventually - never recovers from illness.
His elder twin brother is a bit more lucky, closer to end of the series he is still alive and only gets stolen once, and not for long, and most of the time he spends all alone in his crib, wearing multi-layered dress with frills all over and a bonnet, not playing with anything or anyone, and apparently - not being fed anymore - but this is really just a negligible detail...

A fiction movie is a fiction movie, but I can't help thinking how lucky I am: during my whole pregnancy no one tried to poison me, buy my baby or force me into abortion. Since his birth, he was never used to blackmail his real father. He has actually been living since birth with his real father, who never tried to kidnap and send him away. He has a closet and a chest full of clothes he can wear and still move around. He can have as much milk as he wants, and as much of any other food as he wants  without rolling on the floor crying: "God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!"   . He has his own comfy bed to sleep in, his personal space, his toys.

I take a deep breath and breathe out with relief every time I think it's amazing that all basic needs of my child are already covered. He can focus on  growing, learning and developing, exploring the world around , getting to know himself better. I find it hard to imagine what would it feel like to spend every day with a tiny helpless person by your side, hiding him in a chest to protect, boxing up his whole life with my only concerns of his unsafety and hunger. Living hell.

Stress management quintessence

This Fall I'm a good girl - as I thought I needed  to go get a pass for the MMA room, I went out and got one. It feels great not to have any major limitations to regularly invest time in myself. And it's much safer too: I only broke a chair back, a towel hanger, a ceramic cow's ear, a couple of baby spoons, a white-out plastic case and probably a couple more negligible items in the past 2 months...

Cooking and listening to Mein Teil. My world is almost in harmony =)

Heute bin Ich gefullte Paprikaschoten.

Midway upon the journey of our life (c)

That is, just this year, I finally gave myself the liberty of believing that certain things are not meant to work well for me, and other things are just not worth to rely on.

Fall is usually time things get better and more adventures happen, and more new people show up in my life. If neither of the latter happens this Fall, at least I will have my karma life, cleaned up, neatly arranged and having more space for more of MY things to fill it with later. Starting with finally putting stuff in storage to its proper use:

And at the same time slowly taking off my black belt in Dead Horse Flogging: one of the coming days I will stop insisting on sustaining relationships with those who do not show reciprocal interest. It is amazing that it is now that this article came along:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-youre-sabotaging-your-own-life-without-knowing-it/

Right things showing up at the right time, indeed. Each day of the past few weeks I've been realizing something new about how endlessly lucky I am; I do have an endless amount of various resources that can help me go anywhere I want. Help one way of another.

Apart from that, on the bright side:

Someone who shows up at Thai boxing class

still sick and right before a networking event and a dinner date to follow - is not a very smart person.

That's also me.

****
It's amazing, how the only thing that does not kill me all over my body right now - is carrying and cuddling with Art. Must be one of those amazing things about female bodies that activities with babies do not cause muscle ache :)

When in the gloom of a massage room,

in response to your assumption that the knots in your legs are caused by carrying around a growing baby for the past 12 month, your masseuse says almost under breath:

-It's good that you have kids... I have no one to come home to...

You literally feel that no relaxation effect and no hot stones at that moment could keep you from jumping off the table and speeding off to your car. As is.

When I'm done with this exam...

I'll get a bucket of cobb salad, a box of sushi  and a bottle of wine and will drown myself in bath for half a day with all this and Semenova's Valkyrie.

2 am

and we're sitting outside on the patio.

After a musical with friends, followed by a relaxing walk in the downtown, peaking in at somebody's movie and game night out near 16th St. and having impromptu drinks and appetizers somewhere on Larimer sq.

And now we're outside on the patio, with armagnac, wine, cigar and only missing the telescope - by now we're feeling to lazy to carry it outside.
Listening to the 7th Symphony by Shostakovich on my phone, talking about our plans for future, and realizing that we will never get old.

Tough summer.

The  more I push back the more challenges life throws at me, the louder I yell "No pasaran!" in return - the less time I have.
Maybe all I need to do is really to just let it all go for a while?

On the bright side, I prioritized 2 part-time locations for... when the life begins. Now that I am sure of what I want, let's see what'll become of it.

The biggest challenge right now (and ever) is sustaining self-discipline. All I want to do now is to grab the marshmallow and run, accept one of those Account Manager positions and forget this year-long leap of faith ever happened. Thank God I'm stubborn.

Funny enough, dreamt of one of my old friends last night. An acquaintant of mine and I were travelling to Suisse and at one point I left her mountain skiing at night (!), and paid a visit to my friend. He was not home, so I decided to wait for him and after a while saw a little white board in the corridor where he had a list of things to do written down; among others: do that many sets of crunches or do that exercise that many times... I took a black marker and wrote: Drop 2-3 sizes and buy a corset.
And left his apartment.

Pelevin has a strange effect on me.

 Instead of  getting back to my 16-19 year old life period, playing it over and over again in my head and trying to find the errors and fixing them (mentally, or course, just in case they come up again as life lesson in the future :) )  - coming back to my 15 years, just before all that... ehm... adventure began.

And then again, of course - trying to go over the key events. But were there really so many key events that year, between 15 and 16?

Frescoes depicting my old life

 are fading, cracking, chipping and from time to time pieces of plaster are falling down.

5 minutes ago I felt a sudden urge to check what became of my old Swiss number. I wonder why this never occurred to me before. I dialed it to discover it now belongs to a British woman.

Thoughts of the week

1. I should have read "To kill a mockingbird" a long time ago. I planned to open this book years ago, and while I never had enough time to start reading it, or had something else on my priority read-list, there already was so much from this little girl in me, all these years... And I can't help feeling a bit jealous of having older wise people around you at such a young age, and having a smart older brother. Well, the latter is what I always wanted anyway!

2. I never had time in the past 3 weeks to go over my new phone manual and learn about all its great functions and blah-blah, but I did download Any.do app, and am really amazed at how great it is, being so simple, and how helpful it can be for just the daily tasks. I still wouldn't be able to do without my Moleskine week planner and my goal notebook, but the ability of vocally jotting down a though as it crosses my mind and before it's gone too far, or walking around the house and making a list of things to do or fix - once again all vocally! - is priceless to me now.
Keeps my head clear of junk. Helps simplify my life. That's all I ever needed.

Dehumanization

occurs when instead of "capital purchases" you read "capital punishments":
"Capital punishments are recorded as government-wide governmental capital assets" and without a single thought that the Modified Accrual Accounting just became a bit too cynical - you reflect for a couple of minutes on why they would not be classified as Expenditures instead.

I'm completing my daily re-writing of goals

and at the same time - thinking about how lucky I am to have in my life all those people I have. Or had. Look closely - and every person can teach you a lesson, set an example, motivate you or share enthusiasm and optimism when you're down.

Those who can not quite serve as a good example at this point :) - can still help determine the way you don't want to live your life and things you never want to do, push you to develop patience, acceptance and grow wiser. 

Watch your family, friends and foes - and learn from each one of them, borrow their experiences, examine their mistakes, use their passions and goals. The everyday social environment can contribute so much to enhanced learning, that it would be impossible to fully develop as a human being in social isolation. 

Oh, girly girliness...

About a year ago I showed up at Central City Opera wearing a black and white grand piano case, low heel open sandals, my travel purse - and was feeling a bit shocked to see the crowd that night wearing evening gowns and cocktail dresses, high heels, jackets and cute "theater-style" purses.

A year passed, Figaro was getting married, and today it was me catching up on dressing up,  in my green cocktail dress, matching high heels and purse, and - 90% of the rest of the public - showing up smart-casual at best.
Back to normal.

If I were to commence another experiment right now,

I would go about seeing how much I can accomplish in the next six month performing on just my anger, hatred and despair energy.

I do hope I could do a lot, for it looks like the experiment is already on.

Sometimes the brain needs to be restarted.
Whole body needs to be mobilized before another year long leap of faith.
Auxiliary decisions need to be made.

All I can say is that's I am happy to be thousands of miles from home and slowly float as a grain of sand in a stream of yummy and concentrated life.
Interestingly enough this country has anything I could only wish for to fill my 2 weeks with, and no signs in English - which is a bonus bliss.

Facebook as a great tool for

 evaluating people. 

This thought crossed my mind from time to time when I was glancing through the friends' updates, but I never bothered to find time and right words to put it down on pixels paper.

Facebook makes you defenselessly public. All the pictures, personal info, statuses and places updates you put in - crack open your mind to whoever sees it - scanning through your profile reveals your priorities, fears, weaknesses by how you want yourself to be perceived. That's nothing new.

But. Another way you reveal even more about yourself is your reaction to the way others want you to perceive them. Your pattern of thinking shows much better in the way you comment on others' pictures posted and updates than if those were carefully picked by you. "LIKE" is a great shortcut to find out who is either in line with certain values, or supports somebody with those values or is playing neutral on expressing their opinion.

And so, it is with mixed feelings that I note to myself that a person I thought of as smart and interesting, can actually "like"  his friendless's girls' night out drunk pictures, updates on 0.7 pound weight loss by another friendess, an ongoing romantic correspondence between a friend and his fiancee, and a status updates by rhetoric questions obviously determined to emphasize the friendess's high moral and feminist values as well as self-perceived high IQ.

Online social networks are simply online social networks. But they can save a great deal of time in evaluating a person with just a few quick Litmus tests. That is, if you do pay attention to shallow and superficial friends' activity - your are either not such a profound person I thought you were, or - you care enough about your shallow and superficial friends to know you support them.

Priceless if you are unsure about how close to keep a certain person; although does not work on those who have a deep and sophisticated plan behind every comment and "like" :)  

End of April...

My first Baby-shower organized for a friend with another friend. Since the pregnant friend had airplane theme registry, I decided to try do the baby shower in airplane mode. The funniest part was putting the plane diaper cake together with the second friend: apart from diapers, wash clothes and a baby bottle, it took a load of scotch tape, double-sided scotch tape, staples, bamboo skewers, a needle and thread and a button, cardboard, ribbon and lots of cursing. Thanks to Sis the plane made it to the baby shower with only one skewer fallen out )) and then people started arriving to the clubhouse with food and help with the preparations, so everything was completed on time. 

The most surprising thing was to see that the contest of making and flying the paper airplanes was so much fun for those who participated and watched. Sometimes the simplest solutions work best! 

Our first hike with Artie. Went well, although I did not notice the baby hike carrier have pairs of rings and a pair of hooks for adjusting the baby seat until almost a mile down the road. But once the seat was adjusted, Art was able to look around, started to jump and smile more and stopped losing his hat )) a hiking backpack/carrier, baby sunblock, diapers and spare set of clothing, bottle of water and a pouch of purée - and  the freedom of the outdoors is all yours again! 

I can't picture a family like ours living  a hundred years ago, and am very happy to live at the time we are living now: no need to slow down your life, no need to make dramatic adjustments or unreasonable sacrifices. Depending on what angle you are looking at things, of course, there's so much more that needs improvement and so much more that simply makes me roll my eyes,  but there's more to the hope that the evolution of the quality of our lives will continue.

Thought of the week: need to immediately start getting rid of people that slow me down. 

Three thoughts of the week

About the crowd.
If you're strong, stand out and are... well, somewhat an achiever by nature, there is a chance most of the people that stick around are there because they want to see you being you. They want to observe you make every step of your life, they want to see your start up all your substantial projects, they want to know how you keep yourself strong, happy, motivated. They are seeking inspiration, peace of mind, thoughts on how to get ahead in life, or even - what to do with their lives, and they want to get ideas and learn by watching you.
And here you are - a life example of how to put the pieces of puzzle together and make things work. You excelled and they simply want to know how to excel too.
Don't flatter yourself - these are not all your friends.
As, chances are, one day day one of your biggest fans who comments the most and cheers the loudest will say: "You know, you're cool and what you do is very cool, but honestly - I would fit your place so much better!"

And about the achievers.
I am looking for examples of people whose productivity was actually boosted by the need to help their families.
Live examples, of the people I know.
And can't find any.
I do see many examples of people dragged behind by their abusive and authoritative parents, troublemaker siblings, bratty kids, and - for those from former Communist countries :) - relatives  did believe earlier in their lives that "money is evil" and "the state government will take care of us" and are now in deep financial need.
I do want to see evidence that it is possible to use your potential to the fullest to live not only your own life, but step in the lives of someone close to you. Or better yet, exceed your potential.
I want to know it's possible to have zero female role models in the family, but 2 female alcoholics instead - and still become a Wonder Woman.
I will gladly believe you can have a sick spouse and can still build a career, and have time for hobbies and sports - but seeing is believing...

What I notice though - and it might only be relevant to my circles, who knows :) - is that  people who are most successful and happy tend to focus on their own lives and their own priorities ONLY.
And no, it's not just that.
They seem to have a totally different kind of family and friends: their siblings and kids are self-sufficient, their grandparents are in great health, their fathers respect and support them no matter what, their mothers are just like their best friends, their friends are well educated, adventurous and real "friends indeed".
Alright, I understand the concept of creating your own circle of friends and business connections, but how do you create a problemless family?! :)
And so I look at the people around me and it seems that you can be quite... mediocre and still get far ahead in life if no one drags you down. (Good news!).
And you can be brilliant and determined to help the near and dear to you, but even if that motivates you to work extra hard - you will probably find yourself not being able to get the most out of your resources for neither them nor yourself. ( Bad news!).
So, how do you solve this puzzle?

About resources.
Inspired by seeing a woman of my age jogging peacefully along a busy road at 8.05am on Monday morning with her long hair pulled carelessly in a pony tail.
How do you get ALL the resources you know you need?
If you need certain resources for your life's exponential growth and development - how do you ensure a supply of those resources in a constant proportion with your life's growth? :)

It's unbelievable - but it's a fact :)

I completed all task I had written down for last week. Every single one is crossed out and there are no rollovers. Never thought I'd see the day :)
... and of course by the end of this weekend 1/2 of upcoming week in my agenda is already full of more notes and tasks. Cleaned the house top to bottom. The new vacuum cleaner works magic :) The feeling of having my life clean, organized and under control is priceless and is my main booster of peace of mind now.

My 2nd booster of peace of mind is knowing the health situation of everyone is my family is getting somewhat more stable. No concerning issues with  back, thyroid, heart, eyes, stomach, pancreas and other.

And then there is my endorphin booster that crawls around at a cosmic speed babbling "bah-bah-bye-dah-dah-dye" and smiling at me :)

The biggest project of the next 12 months is finally starting to look less like "Torture..." and more like "Adventure!".

Another habit that needs to be eliminated:

Thinking too much into things.

Was hesitating to check something out online. Wasn't even sure what I will see or read, but had a feeling that might throw me off balance for a short while. Eventually, I decided that whatever I see - I can always use as my own motivation, rather than getting emotional.

In reality, what I saw (and read) made my day; showed me I've been on the right track all along and must be doing much better than I expected. Now all these "what ifs" look ridiculous.  I am just happy this reminder to stay reasonable and focused went off in an insignificant situation. There may be bigger opportunities coming up...

Before Monday even comes, my to-do list for the week stretches Monday through Friday.

And every line of every date's space is filled; does not matter if I break down appointments and tasks by timeframes, or group them into blocks. Usually both :)

Today, closer to afternoon, a feeling of helplessness stoke me again. My agenda's been filled with stuff to do for weeks now, and for every item I cross off, two new are to be added to the list. And what's worse - none of the items that I do not consider routine did not yield any significant results or life improvements in the past few months! Keep reminding myself that many important things just take time to happen. But then I glance at the achievers that I used to look up to - and it seems that they all are shaping their lives exactly the way they want them to be and not breaking a sweat, while I'm pretty much  running around in circles. It's mid-March and none of my 20 goals for the year is close to completion. Even the reading goal is at 7% - what a joke...

And then having thought all this over, I suddenly got another strong feeling arising: "Enough!".
I could live this life for months, and nothing would change, but...
Enough!

In the next several hours I cleaned up the whole house and did the laundry, ordered the course free trial, put old stuff for sale on Craigslist, sent the Baby Shower invites and started planning the menu and decor, after some totally fruitless research on Glion's website - emailed the university and requested transcripts, cancelled the old credit cards with the clothes stores, cooked dinner and went through the pile of mail pinned to the kitchen bulletin board, and worked out some other unfinished business.
Felt stronger.
With some order around and within, it's time to think over a strategy to better leverage all the time, knowledge and energy I have. The way things used to work do not seem to fit my life goals anymore  :)

Finally. It's spring.

 It's about time this long uncomfortable winter was over.

What's good about being 6 months postpartum - is starting to feel human again. Change of the seasons might have something to do with that too, but I prefer to blame the hormones for the veil of dumbness over my brain for the past half a year, as well as for the behaviour and thinking pattern that were not quite... typical of me :)

I like the motherhood experience. I like the actual idea of motherhood: it shows you your strengths and weaknesses without sugar coating, makes you set your priorities straight, poses a lot of new questions and challenges, but may also help work out some of the old ones. Not to mention a booster in time management and patience ( yes, the latter is especially fun when being hormonal :) ).
Motherhood does not allow you to give in in certain moments of your life - there are pros and cons to that.

Now that I feel like I'm being more objective, reasonable and adequate  :)  I would say that the experience of being pregnant, having a baby and bringing him up for the first 6 months did make me stronger, smarter and wiser. I know it won't really get easier   unless I actually get a full time family in town  but I do already see it work as an upgrade for myself in many ways.