#26. Martin Eden.

On one hand, I feel frustrated and embarrassed I didn't pull myself together to make time to read this novel earlier. On the other hand, it does leave me with mixed feelings I doubt I would have had even a year ago. On the third hand Just as I could live every line talking about all the effort required for learning and all the challenges of self-improvement (and I love works about and biographies of autodidacts!), the last few chapters completely smudged the integrity of Martin's personality, leaving very much under doubt the phenomenon of adverse change in such a short period of time for a person of extraordinary will and abilities. I couldn't even explain what exactly does not seem true; maybe I already have Man's search for meaning too deep in me, overwriting the possibilities of fatal disappointments and apathy...

Sunset almost soaks in my Light Rail train as it is rushing south, away from the Downtown.

The last car is full of people, yet the sun rays find their way through the windows, through the crowd to my little green book lying on top of my backpack. On my way to the seat I managed to drop my lipstick and nearly the backpack itself. I'm lucky I got a seat though and am now able to try to focus on the revenue recognition principles. I've actually been pretty damn lucky recently.

A few days ago a potential nanny called to accept our offer. She was my first and most preferred candidate, and, having discussed some details on the work hours, I hung up and slowly breathed out...

Almost at the same time as my nanny seeking quest came to an end, our garage door, front door and frames were painted - finally putting an end to almost 9 month long house repair and maintenance process that followed last September's hail storm. Next project - bathroom remodeling, which I now feel less annoyed about and more like putting an end to.

My Ethics class, as it turned out a couple of hours ago, will focus on decision planning and planning. This couldn't have been more useful and timely - I will need to make quite a few serious decisions soon. Sure enough, the Universe is conspiring to provide enough resources to help me finish my most important project in the next six month :) Besides, the International Organizations' Management class just had to be available for me now, so I could make up timing for it and work out that if I listen to the online lectures at gym during my workouts - I will be able to follow the course and complete assignments according to the schedule. So far it works like magic. And when I complete the quizzes at home, in my own study space on a full size laptop, and the University logo pops up and the course picture show as I sign in - I bet I can smell the blossoming chestnut trees, forming a maze of shady alleys in the park this University is located at.

2/3 of summer 2015 is gone.

If I had to describe what the past 2 months looked like for the most part, I'd say, something like this:

Despite completing a Master level course with a solid A, enjoying the course, and staying alive and sane in the progress, this was an experience I could not have recommended to any new mom!

The Ethics class starts August 18th. Then I will be done with the education part for good.
Sooner than this, on August 10th, starts my online class in International Organizations. Can't believe it all worked out well and I actually got access to it!

The first draft of the Business Plan calculations is done. There is much more to it than I expected, so it will require a couple of updates.

Early July Von Zobel and I managed to get out for next-to-last Kurious performance in Denver. First and foremost, God bless sisters as good as mine! Second, it's amazing how once you put a goal to go out/ have a date every month, you actually come up with opportunities and ideas to do so, and are less afraid of leaving your kids for several hours (less afraid for the person babysitting that is! :) ).

The reading goal is 50% complete - 25 books read, and 25 more to go. So many more interesting books on my list, and I have absolutely no idea if going through them at the same speed I'm going now will help me cover them all before year end.

Did some home improvement, changing the carpet in boys' and guest bathrooms to tile. No more carpet drowning, Dr. Chill Sr! The funniest thing was - the tile installation started right when I was in the hospital with Dr. Chill Jr. Having disappeared for a couple of weeks after receiving the payment from me, the company called me a few hours right after giving birth saying the team can be at our place to start working on the floor the next day, and that it is important I agree on this as they are not sure when the next availability would come up. Drugged and exhausted as I was, I was still able to understand what they meant and coordinate the installation with Liz and Nanny, instead of using my right of a woman who just gave birth to lose it and yell at them to pull their shit together, which once again proves I'm a Wonder Woman. 

Traveling still does not look realistic until end of this year, International travel for sure.

How I can most effectively combine studying and taking an exam with the rest of the goal on my list, and still spending as much time with my family as possible still remains a mystery. But I'll sure find a way.

Adding to the agenda - finding a new good nanny; putting together a new Fall schedule.

My body is happy, my body is singing, my body is back to gym!

 It is an amazing feeling to have your body under control again, do what feels good, do what you know is right. Surprisingly, I'm not even half as much out of shape as I thought I would be after pregnancy. I would like to believe that all those yoga classes, walking and swimming during this last few weeks of pregnancy are finally paying off. 

Definitely, any woman who takes her health, physical capabilities, mental state of mind for granted - should have at least one kid in her life to fully appreciate being in harmony with herself, strength and self control.

Heading towards birthday party on Saturday evening all by itself seemed unreal:

All the way along  E470 where the road sides are neatly landscaped with multi-color pebbles and the open space on both sides is just too vast and bright. Big mall on late Saturday afternoon is heated all the way through and filled with people. I find myself standing near a crossroad with with my phone in hand, trying to figure out where the painting studio is, when I suddenly notice fountains to the left of me and kids trying to jump into the upright stream of water, and their mothers sitting at street cafe tables nearby, and the pretzel booth right in front of me, and a group of guys in their thirties wearing shorts and sandals throwing a glance as we walk past each other... and the sun keeps heating and heating up the pavement under my feet, and the Sun dazzles.

The feeling of a realness comes back to me. I feel like being on a mall on a Saturday evening,  where everybody is just relaxing, having fun and wasting time - is not right for me. It is just like being lost somewhere in time, being several years back, where nothing of my presence life exists.
Or maybe, it would make sense to live this very moment in time at a different place right now: for example, celebrating the birthday of Switzerland, being  there to live through this vivid outdoor experience right now. 

But then, here I am. Scary to think what would become of my feelings and perception of reality should I not force push myself to normal life as soon as possible, following crucial and significant changes in my life.