Sitting on the floor in my closet. Listening to Zemfira while going over the contents of a box of my diaries.


My style of those days is nothing like blogging, - more epistolar, vague, overfilled with details... I hardly remember myself across these pages and I  absolutely do not recognize my way of reflecting and interpreting, can't tell why certain things mattered more than others.


To do me justice though, I had no control over any major events in my life back then, no resources and could hardly take care of myself.


Once a survivor, you'll get an immunization for the rest of your life. Enough motivation to stay away from the swamp, enough of anger, strength, imprudence, hunger.


I just need to keep it all together and to keep moving, and to keep working, and all the resources and opportunities will follow. Just need to solve the puzzle in my mind first and the rest will fall into place.

For years I've seen myself as quite athletic and strong - for a woman. Not necessarily the biggest and strongest person in an average room, but for 5'7" and 128-130lbs - definitely never a Thumbelina :)   And since I recovered from shin splint - I would run on a treadmill like a gazelle rushing to vanish on African horizon (if only 5K separated the said gazelle from the horizon), and believed I was in a good shape overall.

Ha.

The moment I step into Dojang I feel… small. Much smaller than the few adults in our class, somewhat closer to the teens. Shorter. Skinny in my dobok. Partially wooden and slow - but this can be at least explained that I’m still a beginner in the class of black belts (literally).
But how can I explain that even my voice seems to become thinner? I try to be loud - and no sound loud enough comes out. I yell - and unlike any other woman I’ve met in the class I sound like a teen :)

My world slowly continues to turn upside down…

Got my white belt.

A beginner's achievement, but still feels like an achievement. Especially since I passed the test 2 days after having another vein treatment, being completely distracted by news on my license application and changes in firm staffing, hungry and exhausted after 1.5 hour drive in traffic.


I guess if not by New Year, then - by my birthday I should get Yellow belt to avoid Tax season.