Thinking outloud



When proponents of "family" as a necessary institution and a mandatory integral part of a life of any "socially-healthy and normal" individual explain the advantages of maintaining good relationships with close and remote family members - the arguments used revolve around the idea that family gives you strength, that the best moments in life are shared with your family, that the family shapes you into your best self, that your parents have made an investment - that no one ever will be able to match! - into you, in money, time, energy. That the seniors in your family will shower you with words of wisdom, care and support in difficult times, and the ones closest to you will always share the burden, and the ones you've helped - will return the favour. And if this is not how things have worked out for you - than there's definitely something wrong with you, ungrateful looser.

All in all - the family is viewed as the best thing that can happen to you, the best thing you will ever have and the main reason you work, stay healthy, educate yourself, have a social life, have a romantic relationship. And of course, we know that the biggest advocates of rules (let alone the creators) - are those who benefit from them the most - but this is a point I will come back to some day later.

The 2 questions I have following the imposed statement though are:

Should blood ties ( or any blood ties of blood ties ) that create a feeling of misery and anger ; that suck out energy and feed on somebody else's hardship and problems; that tell lies and gossip behind the back; that demand commitment to living a life based on their needs and expectations; that use manipulations (especially sudden problems with health), psychological pressure; that are rude, insincere, immature and absolutely do not care about the consequences of their actions and behavior on other people's lives - be considered a family?

Can family - by the definition of people who make you feel stronger, better, more secure, happier - consist of friends and life mentors?





Buy a goat. Sell the goat.

And in comparison life will become a little better.


Sleeping without the compression stocking is a relief. Walking with little pain - is great. So is having a clear head and not walking around like a zombie, still under the residue of anesthesia, fatigue and more sleep deprivation -with your kid having croup.


Catching up with work and house cleaning is a relief.


Planned out the next 1.5 month in 6x6 form - realized I still have shitload to do, but at the same time it feels nice to have a micro-plan for every single upcoming day.


Seeing your family feeling better - is great. I don't know by what magic I managed not to get sick this time. Most likely - a combination of luck, meds I've been taking and such heavy inner state of fatigue that any viruses that I catch die of exhaustion and sleep deprivation within 24 hours.

Bloody summer. Only in my life -

- less than a day after general anesthesia I am behind the wheel, driving, maybe slightly faster than I should be and listening to Latin, yes.  First - driving to the phlebologist, where the optimistic words of the surgery having gone well make me sigh with relief, but the actual sight of my right leg makes me dizzy for 10 seconds :) Then - rushing to work, making a call to pediatrician on the way about Adrian's fever and cough, scheduling an appointment for him just before noon, bursting into my office to grab files and print outs to go over with partners, explaining them the hustle and grabbing as much work as I can to complete home.

Then again - flying low above ground home, picking up warm and apathetic Adrian, rushing with him to the pediatricians, carrying him around in my arms - trying to forget I'm not supposed to be carrying kids for another 2 weeks. Having him checked all over, diagnosed with croup and given a dose of steroids and a prescription for some more that I will drop off at Walgreens on the way home.
Trying to feed poor sick baby through barking cough and congestion, putting him to bed, not able to leave until he cuddles on me and passes out in my arms in the arm chair, getting back to work.
Talking to the pediatrician's office after he wakes up about not much progress going on, taking him right back for a shot of steroids this time  - and him being in my arms and on my shoulder all this time, weak and unable to walk on his own.

Picking up meds on the way home and feeling happy and grateful there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and no cooking apart from quick chicken broth with veggies is needed.
C'est que nous ne tue pas...

Passing out under anesthesia yesterday was an interesting experience though. Just a few seconds ago I was joking on with nurses about having panic attacks in hospitals and that they had to keep my phone away from me after drugging me  - and then I'm already waking up in a different room feeling I did not get enough sleep  in the past hour. Shame. I had big expectations from this 1 extra hour of sleep ))

Definitely not enough capacity for all I need to do.

I overuse my agenda, I jot down every thought that passes my mind - so it does not indeed stay there and take more of my personal RAM.


I cut down the big projects at work and finish them bit by bit, along with following up on projects pending since after Tax season. I cleaned my office, and things sped up a little. Life somehow always starts to go faster and easier anytime I do actual physical cleaning. I have more cleaning to do at home, along with replacing some of work clothes. Last year I could rely on my European shopping, this year I barely could fit all the clothes we had in Slovenia. Many thanks to the Universe for the Zip-lock bags, an understanding attendant in Ljubljana airport who counted the overall weight for 3 suitcases and disregarded overweight in 2 of them, and also - for the intuition that held me off from buying clothes last week of May :).


I sleep for 5-6 hours a night, take a while to realize who I am and where I am and what day of the week it is although meanwhile I perfectly navigate myself around bedroom, bathroom and closet with my eyes half-open. I complete packing lunch bags for Chinchillas and start breakfast, and barely after 7 - wake them up and dress them and try to pull them to the kitchen and one of them performs a world drama every morning. While they are eating I finish throwing in food for the day for myself, and make coffee, and just do not have enough time to eat myself because there is never enough time for everything. But I can cheat the system, make myself a marmite-avocado toast and have it in the car, with coffee, after I drop off chinchillas to kindergarten and before I put on my makeup, still in the car. And maybe, once I get to work I can have a yoghurt or some leftovers of cottage cheese right from the plastic jar, or muesli that I poured milk into a couple of hours ago, still at home.


But neither having breakfast, lunch or snacks at work matter, because at this time of my life - it is really only fuel to keep myself going fast and do thing quickly and right the first time.
Because I am already angry with myself for not having completed Ethics exam by now, and I give myself time till next Tuesday.
Because I need more time for only all the auxiliary activities in my life - and that covers the life of other people in my household apart from my own health and recovery. Which means I will be constantly spreading my time thinly own gym and beauty rituals, my recovery and doctors' appointments,  and keeping the house clean and the fridge full, with asking for advice on contractors for backyard projects and looking for replacement for bedroom ceiling light, and for taking Chinchillas to their doctors and dentists, doing activities with them, reading books and brushing teeth, and getting up at night to sick  or thirsty kid, if needed.
Because I have more interests and more ideas coming to my mind than I can handle and manage and plan. And I already have not only a dozen goals for this year pending in my agenda, but also already have the next page completely covered with ideas and plans I find essential to take on next.


And in a few more years I will be looking back at my life now with all kicks and clenched teeth in attempts not to let go of anything important and not to pivot from what I think will matter most for me - and I'll be thinking...


... I don't know what I will be thinking :) After all, I will be a different person in 5 years, just as I could not have imagined my strength and potential 5 years ago...
Actually,  I do know what I will definitely think, no matter the circumstances: why did it take me so long? Why did I not move faster at the same time doing more every day for what's most important to me? Why did I not do everything possible, and then - impossible to get to all vital change in life quicker?

Early Monday evening of a long 4-day weekend. Swimming pool.

I'm chasing Arthur in the water trying to bring him from the shallow part to the deep one and hold him while he tries to remember some swimming techniques. He is absolutely reluctant to move to the deeper end:
- Not going there! I don't want to! Nooo!


***efilymkcuf*** Taking a deep breath, holding him tight, and supporting by tummy and under arms so he feels comfortable enough to agree to move to a deeper side. After a few minutes of getting used to sailing on Mommy a new quest begins: Mommy wants to try swimming in a floating vest, and Arthur is not keep on transitioning to it yet. I mean, if Mom wants - she can try to float on her own (if she can buckle it, hahahaha), and yes, I know my cousin floats just fine, but I'm not interested; and you keep saying it's easy and safe, but still not interested, and I see my little brother is trying to jump into the pool at 4ft on his own, but no, I'm not afraid just reasonably cautious. Reasonable cautiousness has been the basis for babies' survival for centuries, everybody knows that. Even when a baby is well in his three...


Leaving Arthur alone and supporting him for as long as it takes - yields first results: Arthur realizes the vest is not made of lead and water is quite safe and starts moving his arms and legs, pushing himself towards the side of the pool. Now it's important not to hold excitement and pride within and keep telling him what a smart and amazing kid he is. And as he keeps on hearing being praised, his kicking and scooping become stronger and more confident, his face becomes more relaxed and brights up and as he reaches the side of the pool he exclaims:


- I swam! I swam on my own.
- You did indeed! You did such an amazing job! See, you were afraid at first, but then you pushed yourself, and did your best, and stayed focused - and swam on your own! If you are brave, persistent and strong - you can do anything you want and you can learn to do anything you want!


Happy. Exited. Proud of himself:
- I want to swim again!


And we swim again to the middle of the pool, and then back to the side. And again. And he is happy for climbing this mountain, and I am happy for him, and the sun shines and the wind gets  stronger, and he is shivering , and it's almost 6 and time to leave.


-Sweetie, let's go.
- I don't want to leave!
- It's time to go!
- I want to swim!
- You're shivering, wet, cold and your lips are turning blue.
- No! I want to swim more!!!


***efilymkcuf***