***Non official reflections on 2017 ***

I started 2017 with a long list of goals, precise and dry, resembling a shopping list more than a beautifully worded list of resolutions.

The Universe though always has its way to stir up things without warning, and so it did this time. After some brief eye blinking and face palming, I realized that the two major goals I had for 2017 that involved cooperation/help from other people would need to be pushed back. Until the time I figure out a way to do this on my own, or get help from my Fairy Godmother (the former is more likely). But yep, losing to myself, falling behind on what matters to me now - still sucks and is hard to accept 😃

As to what depended on me to the most part - I've spent a great first year at a new workplace, survived a full-time tax season with topping off my billable hours at night and daily 2 hour commute. Maintaining a schedule of constant pick ups and drop offs (kids - to and from daycare, myself - to and from work 😃, groceries, library books, kids' toothpaste) was easy but left little room for errors/delays. Besides, being grounded in the triangle of home-work-daycare for months is irritating.

At the same time, I did not give up on level of life for our family (priorities....), so no man of our family (regardless of age) has to dig into the laundry basket for a "relatively fresh" shirt when he runs out of shirts, the walls of our house are not covered in mold and our fridge does not echo. I call it success.

I do know now that in the remaining time I can listen to complete works of Shakespeare, although I did have a good start here. In addition to Faust, and going through audio courses of Slovenian and some Latin. Yep, that has a lot to do with my commute time.
I now know that my brain absolutely refuses to follow by ear and memorize Latin declensions and conjugations.

I do know that I can get back to good physical shape within a few months (it only requires to prioritize work outs to sleep during, say, tax season).

I pulled my bottom to Taekwondo, and it loves it I love it. I could not come to classes as often as I wanted to, hence - I did not get the belt I was aiming for, but plan to fix it next year.
I've never been involved into a physical activity that required - actually - learning control over my body (as in professional sports or dancing), so this is completely new experience to me. And the circumstances where I can't get by with just good memory and quick thinking, but have to MOVE and DO stuff. I'm intrigued.

I somehow managed to illustrate the short story for my Chinchillas I wrote last year, and on some drawings you can even tell a moose from a raven. At least by colour.

I'm genuinely happy with all the things that happened this year. Some of them were due to be completed or started a while ago, others were unpleasant, unexpected and probably unnecessary - but pointed at my personal security breaches as well as weaknesses.

For 2018 I'm planning to boil down all my moves, thoughts and ideas to 3 areas only. And while I'll be working on bringing them to life, Dear Universe, please be on my side!

Sitting on the floor in my closet. Listening to Zemfira while going over the contents of a box of my diaries.


My style of those days is nothing like blogging, - more epistolar, vague, overfilled with details... I hardly remember myself across these pages and I  absolutely do not recognize my way of reflecting and interpreting, can't tell why certain things mattered more than others.


To do me justice though, I had no control over any major events in my life back then, no resources and could hardly take care of myself.


Once a survivor, you'll get an immunization for the rest of your life. Enough motivation to stay away from the swamp, enough of anger, strength, imprudence, hunger.


I just need to keep it all together and to keep moving, and to keep working, and all the resources and opportunities will follow. Just need to solve the puzzle in my mind first and the rest will fall into place.

For years I've seen myself as quite athletic and strong - for a woman. Not necessarily the biggest and strongest person in an average room, but for 5'7" and 128-130lbs - definitely never a Thumbelina :)   And since I recovered from shin splint - I would run on a treadmill like a gazelle rushing to vanish on African horizon (if only 5K separated the said gazelle from the horizon), and believed I was in a good shape overall.

Ha.

The moment I step into Dojang I feel… small. Much smaller than the few adults in our class, somewhat closer to the teens. Shorter. Skinny in my dobok. Partially wooden and slow - but this can be at least explained that I’m still a beginner in the class of black belts (literally).
But how can I explain that even my voice seems to become thinner? I try to be loud - and no sound loud enough comes out. I yell - and unlike any other woman I’ve met in the class I sound like a teen :)

My world slowly continues to turn upside down…

Got my white belt.

A beginner's achievement, but still feels like an achievement. Especially since I passed the test 2 days after having another vein treatment, being completely distracted by news on my license application and changes in firm staffing, hungry and exhausted after 1.5 hour drive in traffic.


I guess if not by New Year, then - by my birthday I should get Yellow belt to avoid Tax season.

An elementary Math problem: The mail with my 1st Bachelor's diploma shows its status as "delivered" as of October 5th.  Today's date is October 26th. The International Evaluation department of the Licensing Association I'm working with are claiming they are still processing mail delivered on October 1st. As of Friday last week - they were processing mail delivered on September 28th. I started evaluation application process in July.
Question: will I get my license in hand before I retire?




In good news: Taekwondo lessons are great. That exact feeling that you're at your place despite not knowing what you're doing and even doing... n'importe quoi. A little crazy to follow the instruction in 2 languages: given I've already picked up - purely by listening - some Slovenian and Latin, trying to repeat Korean makes me forget what planet I am on. But hey - as soon as I realized I will be training in a studio that's part of World Taekwondo Federation - or WTF, which is a very precise summary of my life - I knew I was at the right place.


Looks like the vein treatment went well, and if it did indeed - I may have to put off another surgery for now.


Another dozen of Shakespeare works left. I'm of course, a lucky witch, whose Bookworm-ing goal fell for exactly the time when my commute to and from work takes about 2 hours every day. A once-in a lifetime opportunity, if you're a looking at going through dozens of serious and sophisticated works that require you to understand the subjects and conflicts raised, appreciate the language and to get fully submerged into the literature style.

Friday night, around 9.15pm. Putting Arthur to bed.

- Mom, we forgot our Human Body outside! We need to bring it in!
- ???
- Mom, we left our HUMAN BODY at the lawn! Outside! Somebody may take it!
- Erm… Uh… What?! What body?!
- The HUMAN BODY we put at the lawn today!!!
- Sunshine… it’s not a Human Body, just a skeleton. It’s for Halloween. It’s supposed to stay there for now.
- Yeah! So when a bad person comes to our house, he sees the HUMAN BODY, gets scared and runs away!
- Yep. That’ll work too.

I seriously can’t wait for Arthur’s English vocabulary to catch up. Can’t wait for him to start sharing his wisdom with kids and teachers at Kindergarten:

- Um… Arthur was telling me you put a HUMAN BODY at the lawn by your house?... To scare away bad people?...
- Yeah, our home security provider raised our fee again, so we just thought: oh, screw this!...

Passionarity then, huh? :)

"... the ability for and urge towards changing the environment, both social and natural, or, physically speaking, towards the disturbance of inertia of the aggregative state of an environment"
http://creativity.netslova.ru/Passionarity.html


A politically correct synonym for the yet another Russian "awe up in the ass".

After a long week...

Doing 3K on elliptical, full speed and high resistance. Sweating like nobody's business, going backwards to catch breath on the peak of the "hill" and finishing up Coursera course. Predictably, nearly all theories on self growth, success - subjective success and achievement revolve around the idea of constant improvement, focus and adapting way of life to the vision of ideal future. A well formed and expressed idea of the course though was that "success" in modern terms of way of life refers more to a "well balanced" life than to the life where just one part of it is taken to the extreme. That's extremely close to my definition of a  successful life, and the way I try to arrange mine.

In such thoughts worked my abs, biceps, hips. Came home winded up, cleaned the kitchen.
Wrote 3 thesis for the article on fear.
Looked through my goals for the week, realized I never made an attempt to draw an elk this year, and it's  already October. Put on an elk drawing online lesson, took a pen and legal pad, drew an elk:

Saw that I never opened the DALF study book, took it, opened it, put on the CD, listened to the comprehension text. To my great shock, understood the text was about an ex-IT guy who was not fulfilled with his job, so he quit and became a carpenter and is much happier with his job and workplace environment now.

Realized I'm behind on Shakespeare. Downloaded all remaining works according to my list from Librivox and put a note in agenda to buy blank CD-RWs.

Saw that I never went back to Taekwondo this year. Put a note to the upcoming week - to call the Taekwondo studio next to our King Soopers and inquire about schedule and membership fees.

Had some wine, but was still too wind up to go to bed. Cleaned the bathroom and closet. Cleaned the shelves in the bedroom. Ordered kids' poem books in the library.

Wrote a page-long list of stuff to do for the coming weekend.

Two shoe boxes full of my diaries have been stashed in a secure place for months.

For months I have had no time to get back to the contents of the box, glimpse through the diaries, see once meaningful little things from friends and lovers, finally go through the piles of the paper, pictures and cards and see what's all that was about. I anticipated some feeling of nostalgia of the kind of girl I used to be, I thought the memoirs of the days, of all the problems I had would be "cute and sweet", and how I would feel disappointment - yet again - for wasting time in my adolescence and childhood, and not being able to stand up for myself. And then - since past is not going anywhere anyway, there're no rush in getting my hands on the archive, right?


Expectation vs Reality.


I could not make my way through 3 note pads of diaries. Some of those events would come back to me other than from my diaries, but in hindsight - it was one big endless groundhog day, which I'm trying to dilute with escaping to books and my own world as much as possible. There were occasional trips to very nice places, but they still left me feeling like inside of a fish tank: you're in a wonderful place, but fully dependent on family's agenda, mood swings and perception of comme il faut behavior. Except, perhaps, two trips to summer camp where if I saw an opportunity within hand reach - I could actually grab it.
 Hundreds of pages - probably -  talking in very details, although never directly,  about dead ends, solitude, sickness, sadness, rejection, lack of support, lack of direction in life.

Needless to say that brought up no nostalgia and no sweet feelings of younger self. It definitely raised some immediate anger, frustration and intention to push forward harder now, to use all the resources I have and to make sure I do not waste a day. Since I have already lost so many of them in first 16 years of my life, and you never know, in what... Afganistan I could be born in my next life :)

Bang your head at the wall.
Sigh.
Sip tea.
Realize works tends to come your way and build up faster than you can do it. And the thoughts about current day and week, and about everything it would be nice to do - tend to build up and run ahead of you even faster.
Bang your head at the wall.
Feel - probably caused by all this rush - some thoughts in your head. Some about work. Some about... your other job. Some - about volunteering. Some thoughts - rhyming. Until it becomes completely unclear what you need to do now, and in what order. And if you need to write down your thoughts and ideas now - not to forget them later - which one do you begin with?
Print out your completed project. But you'd rather go running instead.
Bang your head at the wall.

I love Colorado summer - nearly 6 months of good weather stretched from mid-Spring to mid-Fall. On the other hand it's quite misleading: you live in a day with green grass and leaves not yet turning for weeks, and weeks and weeks until you realize it's actually mid-September. And a little over 3 months until 2017 is over. And there's so much to do, and nothing is completed: the evaluation team is not poked hard enough, 990s are not learned quickly enough (if they can be learned at all), pictures are not draws, Shakespeare's works are still not read. And don't be fooled - it's already September...

Suddenly.

I know what I will be doing next summer.
And what I'll do to get there.
And a specific way to arrange my life around it, and what to ask in the first place, and how to play the potential benefits.


Seems that any time it looks like there can be no less time or energy whatsoever to fit in anything else in my day - the Universe casually gives me a hint on how to put together all pieces of puzzle.
Thanks, Universe. I'm on it. B-)

Someone - I think it was Brian Tracy - once said that the number of potential errors in a process is the square of the number of people that are involved in it, moving from one step to another.


If that's just me - I can make 1 error. If I involve 2 more people - I create room for 4 more potential errors. That's true and proven on a daily basis :)


Right now though I feel like apart from creating an exponential growth of errors, every party I deal with is rolling time backwards so I'm held back on the same point for days: from figuring out a process by trial and error on my own to escalating a month (!) delay in evaluation.
Does it really take half-a dozen calls to coordinate something as simple as a ceiling light installation of window replacement?
How can you possibly spend a month searching for 1 envelope, when it only takes 36 hours to locate it AND go through the contents - but after an escalation?
How can you find 1 document out of 3 in an envelope - and keep saying the other 2 pages were not there?
Wouldn't it be quicker and easier - on everyone - to include some instructions and hints for a new task? No, personal remarks and conflicting messages are not professional instructions.
Do I absolutely have to follow up on every thing I request?
I'm already doing plenty of volunteer work of my own choice. Where did you get my phone number?


So, every time I start thinking about MBA or PhD studies, and international work, a house remodeling project, a surgical procedure  - I can't help thinking what mayhem it will create tying to get though bureaucracy of registrars', collecting all necessary documents, organizing and coordinating people in different time zones and of different cultures, following up on every step of a project every day and running around trying to fit in calls and meeting people live into my already insane schedule, wasting hours bein on hold with hospitals and insurance companies and then trying to understand the bullshit basis of accounting they use on the bills and claims.
No thanks - not until I work close to home, and have a second independent and reliable source of income.


Arthur just said the other day he needs one Mom for himself, one for Adrian and one - to do the cooking. I'm already embodying all these 3 "selves" (and many more), but the idea or a virtual PA sounds more and more appealing now.

I have slept for 7 hours for four days in a row and now my mind is playing tricks on me

and generates most random dreams, the first dreams in weeks, maybe months.

Why would my subconscious mind show me a person I haven't seen in over a decade, and in circumstances that are not true to life and never were, with dialogues and intentions that are not realistic? In any case, looks like my mind is recovering so I  would just let it do its thing.

Nevertheless I found the last online dialog I had with this person a year ago, read it and then read into it again, and then I realized how pushy I might seem sometimes with my style of communication, with how many details I provide , and how my descriptions sound like one flow of thoughts. And how unusual, overwhelming and challenging this might be true a the other party who do not describe the past few years of their life with neither much excitement nor bigger vocabulary than social protocol prescribes.

Burnt at a baseball game.

But had such a great time and stayed focused with new potential co-workers I also had no clue what was going on the field.


Walking back to the office from light rail station, all hot, red, sweaty, exhausted and content with the day - I realized that all the 3-4 baseball games I have been to - were all networking events. That is, I've never been to a baseball game just for the sake of it, but only as part of networking - yep, a great example of great modern culture, - and never had a chance to actually though roughly see and comprehend the game.




Note to self: switch to tennis games as for business and networking. Then learn to play golf and switch to golf :)
Note #2: if your firm's partner tells you you can wear shorts to the office due to baseball game trip - he might actually mean it.

Every time I finish mopping the floor, take the posture of homo erectus again and wait until my face gains my normal colour back and my hands stop burning (oh, who am I kidding?! I never just "wait" for anything, I go on with the next thing to do on my list) - I tell myself enough is enough and I need to arrange for cleaning services to help if not every other week, then at least once a month.


But then I go and shoot an email to a handgun training facility to see their classes availability, and check updated schedule for Arthur's swimming and MMA classes he will start this fall, and well - since I'm on it anyway, check for Taekwondo adult classes for myself, and jot down a memo to buy a couple of presents and a gift card for the upcoming parties.
And finally, I circle back to the reflection that while eventful life happens in my house at an intense speed - housekeeping needs to be pushed back. Just for a little longer.

Thinking outloud



When proponents of "family" as a necessary institution and a mandatory integral part of a life of any "socially-healthy and normal" individual explain the advantages of maintaining good relationships with close and remote family members - the arguments used revolve around the idea that family gives you strength, that the best moments in life are shared with your family, that the family shapes you into your best self, that your parents have made an investment - that no one ever will be able to match! - into you, in money, time, energy. That the seniors in your family will shower you with words of wisdom, care and support in difficult times, and the ones closest to you will always share the burden, and the ones you've helped - will return the favour. And if this is not how things have worked out for you - than there's definitely something wrong with you, ungrateful looser.

All in all - the family is viewed as the best thing that can happen to you, the best thing you will ever have and the main reason you work, stay healthy, educate yourself, have a social life, have a romantic relationship. And of course, we know that the biggest advocates of rules (let alone the creators) - are those who benefit from them the most - but this is a point I will come back to some day later.

The 2 questions I have following the imposed statement though are:

Should blood ties ( or any blood ties of blood ties ) that create a feeling of misery and anger ; that suck out energy and feed on somebody else's hardship and problems; that tell lies and gossip behind the back; that demand commitment to living a life based on their needs and expectations; that use manipulations (especially sudden problems with health), psychological pressure; that are rude, insincere, immature and absolutely do not care about the consequences of their actions and behavior on other people's lives - be considered a family?

Can family - by the definition of people who make you feel stronger, better, more secure, happier - consist of friends and life mentors?





Buy a goat. Sell the goat.

And in comparison life will become a little better.


Sleeping without the compression stocking is a relief. Walking with little pain - is great. So is having a clear head and not walking around like a zombie, still under the residue of anesthesia, fatigue and more sleep deprivation -with your kid having croup.


Catching up with work and house cleaning is a relief.


Planned out the next 1.5 month in 6x6 form - realized I still have shitload to do, but at the same time it feels nice to have a micro-plan for every single upcoming day.


Seeing your family feeling better - is great. I don't know by what magic I managed not to get sick this time. Most likely - a combination of luck, meds I've been taking and such heavy inner state of fatigue that any viruses that I catch die of exhaustion and sleep deprivation within 24 hours.

Bloody summer. Only in my life -

- less than a day after general anesthesia I am behind the wheel, driving, maybe slightly faster than I should be and listening to Latin, yes.  First - driving to the phlebologist, where the optimistic words of the surgery having gone well make me sigh with relief, but the actual sight of my right leg makes me dizzy for 10 seconds :) Then - rushing to work, making a call to pediatrician on the way about Adrian's fever and cough, scheduling an appointment for him just before noon, bursting into my office to grab files and print outs to go over with partners, explaining them the hustle and grabbing as much work as I can to complete home.

Then again - flying low above ground home, picking up warm and apathetic Adrian, rushing with him to the pediatricians, carrying him around in my arms - trying to forget I'm not supposed to be carrying kids for another 2 weeks. Having him checked all over, diagnosed with croup and given a dose of steroids and a prescription for some more that I will drop off at Walgreens on the way home.
Trying to feed poor sick baby through barking cough and congestion, putting him to bed, not able to leave until he cuddles on me and passes out in my arms in the arm chair, getting back to work.
Talking to the pediatrician's office after he wakes up about not much progress going on, taking him right back for a shot of steroids this time  - and him being in my arms and on my shoulder all this time, weak and unable to walk on his own.

Picking up meds on the way home and feeling happy and grateful there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and no cooking apart from quick chicken broth with veggies is needed.
C'est que nous ne tue pas...

Passing out under anesthesia yesterday was an interesting experience though. Just a few seconds ago I was joking on with nurses about having panic attacks in hospitals and that they had to keep my phone away from me after drugging me  - and then I'm already waking up in a different room feeling I did not get enough sleep  in the past hour. Shame. I had big expectations from this 1 extra hour of sleep ))

Definitely not enough capacity for all I need to do.

I overuse my agenda, I jot down every thought that passes my mind - so it does not indeed stay there and take more of my personal RAM.


I cut down the big projects at work and finish them bit by bit, along with following up on projects pending since after Tax season. I cleaned my office, and things sped up a little. Life somehow always starts to go faster and easier anytime I do actual physical cleaning. I have more cleaning to do at home, along with replacing some of work clothes. Last year I could rely on my European shopping, this year I barely could fit all the clothes we had in Slovenia. Many thanks to the Universe for the Zip-lock bags, an understanding attendant in Ljubljana airport who counted the overall weight for 3 suitcases and disregarded overweight in 2 of them, and also - for the intuition that held me off from buying clothes last week of May :).


I sleep for 5-6 hours a night, take a while to realize who I am and where I am and what day of the week it is although meanwhile I perfectly navigate myself around bedroom, bathroom and closet with my eyes half-open. I complete packing lunch bags for Chinchillas and start breakfast, and barely after 7 - wake them up and dress them and try to pull them to the kitchen and one of them performs a world drama every morning. While they are eating I finish throwing in food for the day for myself, and make coffee, and just do not have enough time to eat myself because there is never enough time for everything. But I can cheat the system, make myself a marmite-avocado toast and have it in the car, with coffee, after I drop off chinchillas to kindergarten and before I put on my makeup, still in the car. And maybe, once I get to work I can have a yoghurt or some leftovers of cottage cheese right from the plastic jar, or muesli that I poured milk into a couple of hours ago, still at home.


But neither having breakfast, lunch or snacks at work matter, because at this time of my life - it is really only fuel to keep myself going fast and do thing quickly and right the first time.
Because I am already angry with myself for not having completed Ethics exam by now, and I give myself time till next Tuesday.
Because I need more time for only all the auxiliary activities in my life - and that covers the life of other people in my household apart from my own health and recovery. Which means I will be constantly spreading my time thinly own gym and beauty rituals, my recovery and doctors' appointments,  and keeping the house clean and the fridge full, with asking for advice on contractors for backyard projects and looking for replacement for bedroom ceiling light, and for taking Chinchillas to their doctors and dentists, doing activities with them, reading books and brushing teeth, and getting up at night to sick  or thirsty kid, if needed.
Because I have more interests and more ideas coming to my mind than I can handle and manage and plan. And I already have not only a dozen goals for this year pending in my agenda, but also already have the next page completely covered with ideas and plans I find essential to take on next.


And in a few more years I will be looking back at my life now with all kicks and clenched teeth in attempts not to let go of anything important and not to pivot from what I think will matter most for me - and I'll be thinking...


... I don't know what I will be thinking :) After all, I will be a different person in 5 years, just as I could not have imagined my strength and potential 5 years ago...
Actually,  I do know what I will definitely think, no matter the circumstances: why did it take me so long? Why did I not move faster at the same time doing more every day for what's most important to me? Why did I not do everything possible, and then - impossible to get to all vital change in life quicker?

Early Monday evening of a long 4-day weekend. Swimming pool.

I'm chasing Arthur in the water trying to bring him from the shallow part to the deep one and hold him while he tries to remember some swimming techniques. He is absolutely reluctant to move to the deeper end:
- Not going there! I don't want to! Nooo!


***efilymkcuf*** Taking a deep breath, holding him tight, and supporting by tummy and under arms so he feels comfortable enough to agree to move to a deeper side. After a few minutes of getting used to sailing on Mommy a new quest begins: Mommy wants to try swimming in a floating vest, and Arthur is not keep on transitioning to it yet. I mean, if Mom wants - she can try to float on her own (if she can buckle it, hahahaha), and yes, I know my cousin floats just fine, but I'm not interested; and you keep saying it's easy and safe, but still not interested, and I see my little brother is trying to jump into the pool at 4ft on his own, but no, I'm not afraid just reasonably cautious. Reasonable cautiousness has been the basis for babies' survival for centuries, everybody knows that. Even when a baby is well in his three...


Leaving Arthur alone and supporting him for as long as it takes - yields first results: Arthur realizes the vest is not made of lead and water is quite safe and starts moving his arms and legs, pushing himself towards the side of the pool. Now it's important not to hold excitement and pride within and keep telling him what a smart and amazing kid he is. And as he keeps on hearing being praised, his kicking and scooping become stronger and more confident, his face becomes more relaxed and brights up and as he reaches the side of the pool he exclaims:


- I swam! I swam on my own.
- You did indeed! You did such an amazing job! See, you were afraid at first, but then you pushed yourself, and did your best, and stayed focused - and swam on your own! If you are brave, persistent and strong - you can do anything you want and you can learn to do anything you want!


Happy. Exited. Proud of himself:
- I want to swim again!


And we swim again to the middle of the pool, and then back to the side. And again. And he is happy for climbing this mountain, and I am happy for him, and the sun shines and the wind gets  stronger, and he is shivering , and it's almost 6 and time to leave.


-Sweetie, let's go.
- I don't want to leave!
- It's time to go!
- I want to swim!
- You're shivering, wet, cold and your lips are turning blue.
- No! I want to swim more!!!


***efilymkcuf***

Old diaries.

I have 2 shoe boxes worth of old poor quality paper note pads, soaked in ink of a dozen colours. Old photos, Birthday cards, tiny items on a chain - things I did not know I had: a thin pebble with a hole, a silver heart, a razor...
An older box was dated 31.12.2003 and was covered by a sheet of paper with a warning against opening the archive. I closed the archive :) Quite a character I was half a life ago..

I was planning to pick up both boxes, but only if I left a good portion of my clothes here for another year or two. Now it looks like I will not need any of my stuff here in a year of two. But I will still take all of my diaries even if that means throwing away half of my stuff...

Making a packing list for 3 week trip for each member of the family is a no-bullshit skill.

Especially when 2 lists are for super-active toddlers, when your views on husband's wardrobe for those 3 weeks typically differs from his view, and when there's a wedding to attend in the middle of the trip.

Other no-bullshit skills include buying all the necessary stuff for the trip some time in tiny time slots between work and picking up Chill Sr from Kindergarten  and while running other errands on weekend. That includes picking presents for the hosts.

Packing the entire family, with all those 4 sheets of paper put side by side, while kids are running around trying to do their own packing and replace neatly packed clothes and shoes with toys in every suitcase - is a must-learn know how if you ever want to have more than 1 kids and to sacrifice your lifestyle in progress :)

Nevertheless: for all the airfare worth, we now have:
 3 full size suitcases, fully packed (20kg +), with vaccum packing bags used for kids warm clothes (jackets, vests and sweaters) wrapped around a large tequila bottle and kids shoes (including rain boots),
1 sports backpack for toys and change of clothes for boys, diapers and wipes + a laptop and ipad;
1 sports backpack for electronics and misc. things for the trip (meds, travel pillows), + professional camera+ laptop+ipad + printouts with itineraries, copies of passports etc.
1 large kids backpack for snacks (gets lighter as we eat :)  )
1 toddler mini-backpack for WIPES: heavy duty, kids, facial - wipes.
5 mice by the name of Squirrel were strategically diffused between suitcases and backpacks.


On a side note - the durability of my suitcase is amazing. There're scratches, holes at the bottom, the small "legs" fell off a while ago, however it never felt apart and the zippers still do not jam. Only the names of the places it has been taken to, written inside with nail polish - peel, as does Oscar Wilde's quote in the middle :)  It will celebrate its 15 year birthday this summer - never lost, never stolen.

Some raw thoughts.

Today, in the middle of footing some employee IRA matching and totals, I had a sudden thought. Say, I have quite a few goals for the coming year, and not all of them are one-step, unsophisticated plans that I can accomplish in a day or two.

A few of them do look like they will consume a lot of time and money before something will start to shape up, and the problem is - I can not even be sure of the result as I do not really have anyone in my close circles who has gone through same relevant experience. For example, thinking about 1 year from now  -  I will have a choice of either having 3rd child, or run Geneva UNICEF 10K of course, or make some advancements or looking for a niche in my career, which will involve more education and training. And all these projects are absolutely mutually exclusive. I can pick 1 thing and work my schedule and my budget around this one thing only. And I'm sure this is just a small sample of the "forks" that I will need to resolve in the coming years.

And so, I felt like a need help on a bigger scale: people willing to help me in one way or another, whether with time or advice, or sharing some knowledge which will spare me from extensive research, or just providing some moral and mental support.
What if I did have a team - virtual mostly - to back me up with all those needs that will come up? What if I start with a social experiment and see if it is possible to organize such a team, and how it will evolve and whether people will voluntarily offer help on a constant basis in return for support, help and advice back when possible (I believe in gratitude , help and mutual support, yep), but also for being a part of larger projects and receiving constant progress updates, pros and cons of untypical life decisions, and as a result - a blueprint for going through same or similar situations should they ever need to?

On the other hand - and it is a significant downside for me - this team building (literally) strategy implies consistency in following specific steps, providing updates, and hell - creating and maintaining a specific public image. Which I would hate to do on a 5 year span.

But it will potentially provide help and support.

But will take away time, privacy and a certain degree of freedom of choice in decision making.

But will allow me to access, borrow and leverage other people's knowledge, time and ideas.

But will put me in position when I will have to give some back. To owe them. And I hate to owe anything for anyone.

Did some preliminary planning for 2018 UNICEF Marathon.

- the ne registration is open now.

Given that the hotel availability might change, that most of the trip search and booking platforms do not show airfare for later than mid-April 2018, that I only counted 2 full days in Geneva (3 nights total, that is), that we might be looking at 2 registration fees if Belkin decides to run - I'm looking at $1,500 for just this item on my bucket list. Pretty realistic and could be worse :)

On a side note - the Universe just bumped my head into the idea of increasing my monthly earning capacity to what I was planning to be my next quarterly earning capacity. Perfect timing as always - just as I start to relax and have doubts about the reason of all the wishes, goals and master life projects I have and why the hell should I .... - here comes a gentle reminder: pull yourself together, do what needs to be done and live the life you want.

Sudden hail in Lakewood.

Looking out of the window - the street is gloomy and dark, the shower of hail pellets size of almond to a small chicken is hitting cars parked outside, trimming the trees , knocking down pine cones and large beautiful pink blossoms off the apple trees.


Beautiful to watch. Especially when you parked in the covered parking lot, still have electricity in your office, and a raspberry-pomegranate cuppa, and a fresh 990 to do.

Sleep and peace of mind, as well as ability to shift my mind to anything other than work

work wonders.


I feel more human again, look much more human, wake up with minimum to none headaches, and cut down crying from twice a day every work day - to once a day a few times a week.


I catch up on the work projects that had been postponed due to tax season, trying to foresee everything that needs to be bough for Slovenia - including gifts, and desperately plan and organize all health and household projects for May and Summer.


Funny - I write down all my thoughts, wishes and ideas to empty out my mind, and get a to-do list 2-3 pages long (and counting); but the flow of thoughts in my head never stops.
As if for each to-do item I write to clear my head of it - 2 more come in, something that I have been putting off till better times for too long, or something that I can only now think of and appreciate.
I'm not even surprised but only giggling at how I will be working it all out - from kids' dental and pediatric appointments this summer- to window replacement, from going through the bureaucratic process of License application to planning out 3 more trips for this year, from Jury Duty and surgery this summer to planning out my next career steps.


And yet, once I write down something I need to do, I can't help thinking about how small and unimportant it is. And as if, with dozens of trivial things to do and make decision about, I am losing time for something important I would rather be working on now... 

I sometimes feel like I start to behave like a typical "Russian mother" walking around the community and neighbourhood

constantly yelling out remarks to her kids.
-Arthur, don't walk out on your own!
- Adrian, don't go there alone!
- Arthur, STOP!!! And look to your left and right to see if a car is coming!
- Adrian, please keep walking! DON"T STOP in the middle of the road!
- Arthur, no, you can't pee at their lawn!
- Adrian, don't run into the puddle! You're not wearing your rain boots, remember! Don't slap the puddle with your bare hands please!
-Arthur, please don't harass the worm! No, he doesn't like it!
- Hey! You both! Stop throwing stones into the sewer!
-Arthur, please look straight ahead! You're going to run somebody over on your tricycle!




And it goes on, and on and on. Yes, I only raise my voice when my kids are at a distance - so they can- physically- hear me better. And yes, I have the luxury of not screaming my head off for soiled clothes, or for my kids for actually walking, running or... biking away at their own pace and not walking next to me the whole time, or for actually walking in the after rain mud. I spare my voice for special moments only :)


But I still don't see how it's possible to be the only mother who.... wait, I don't see any other mothers out for a walk with toddlers. Actually, I don't see any toddlers either. It's not typical working hours... where are all the kids thought? Hmmm, maybe that's why....

Done with Tax season 2017 :)

Almost unbelievable how I managed to survive the past 2.5 months without a single day off, in one piece, in full sanity, continuing jogging and doing some volunteering work. Although given that I never give in - it was not that unbelievable after all.


Our firm gave away Vivofits as little token of appreciation for the good job done this Tax season - and I love the gesture! While I'm not letting this AI bracelet spying on me in my sleep, the step counter will be very useful in a month, during our European hikes and long strolls with Chinchillas.


Speaking about upcoming Euro-trip 2017 - there's a lot of planning to be done for Croatia and Italy (Austria/Latvia - TBC) and even more unfinished business to catch up on before mid-May. This includes bringing my health and body back from Survivor mode to sustainable highly-functioning state, doing a couple of photo-shooting, buying my Wedding witness dress, buying presents and some clothes and toys for Chills Sr & Jr, catching up at work and making all doctor appointments for this summer. Sounds easier that it is :)


Decided to take a break from Shakespeare and Goethe and am now listening to the Slovenian Language CD in my car. What a huge difference it makes - to start learning your first foreign language (or two) with all continuous repeating of easy words, long explanation of easy grammar concepts and - God forbid to come to this again! - learning phonetical transcriptions! And then - attempting your 5th (or 6th? lost count) language, by listening, in car - on the way to work and back, in the middle of your breakfast (yes, still in the car), driving with one hand, holding coffee cup with the other and almost yelling so I can hear myself - kaj je glavno mesto Spanije?!

Another week to go

Argh! When all this is over

I'll spend the next week's evenings in bath with Epsom salt and a glass of wine, watching movies, eating sushi and checking prices of tickets to London and Geneva!...


... who am I kidding? When all this is over - I will spend the next week just catching up on the appointments, delayed articles, new volunteer work, CPA Ethics course, house cleaning, and getting myself back into shape - hence no sushi at night.


... Of course, I still need to live to see the moment it will all be over - in one piece and not loosing my sanity.

We've survived this winter!

The trees are finally blooming, it's finally warm enough for shorts. Chinchilla Sr is mastering his new bike (with 2 assistance wheels) and is doing pretty damn good! Chinchilla Jr is mastering his big brother's scooter; at one point he just stepped on it, pushed himself off with his right foot and went out of the garage straight downhill on his own, while I was sprinting to catch him before he would reach the road, my hair turning gray and trying to understand if this is indeed the right kids I'm chasing: he looks like Chill Jr, but it can't be him! He's not even 2 yet!!








All in all I love how these 2 little brothers are getting along. How they comfort each other, and hug each other, and see each other to bed. And their meaningful, serious conversations are priceless! Of course, when they are in a middle of a fantastic dialog I have no pen and paper close at hand, and every time I start video recording - they become aware of me and stop whatever they are doing.








Despite busy schedule I got done with UNV proof-reading project in a good timing. Interestingly enough, one can tell exactly by looking at a translated text where a part was translated by a different person: the style varies, the choice of words varies, the number of typos or missing articles or prepositions varies... And still it's fun to realize that while you can offer a different version of translation in some cases, in others - you wouldn't have thought about word(s) that fit so well!




Two more weeks to Tax Season's finish line. With the 60 hour work weeks and family and home demanding all the time outside work - I now have about 3 weeks worth of unfinished business I will need to take care of in a prompt manner after April 18th, so I can move on with life :) I feel like for any idea I take through to the end I have 2 more which, at the moment they occur I feel are so great, I have to put at the bottom of 2018 list (yep, 2018). And by the time I get to it (maybe sooner than 2018) I will be out of resources, angry, sleep deprived, wondering why I even wanted it at the first place, but being too proud and stubborn to give it up now.

Finished Faust.

Hits the spot, Mephistopheles rocks and the tragedy will now be highly recommended by me to anyone going through an existential crises =)






Never thought one of my 2 favourite books is so close to being a fanfiction to Faust. Maybe because I practically know Master and Margarita by heart that all the parallels between Mephistopheles and the "court" of Woland, Auerbach's cellar and Woland's offering cigarettes and wine in the novel, Walpurgisnacht - and the Satan's Ball, Emperor's carnival and Woland's performance at Varieté ....


Just like playing a jazz improvisation piece for weeks and then hearing the original :)




Nevertheless, I do not love Master and Margarita any less now, and admire Pasternak even more (not that I ever doubted his genius), and some time - probably when I retire - I should improve my German to the point when I can read the original. In a few years though it will be interesting to come back to it, but to a different version of translation.

In some thin time slot,

while walking from a kids birthday party to Home Depot, with Chill Jr sitting comfortably on my left arm and Chill Sr holding my hand (walking through the entire plaza and parking on both ends), I stopped by World Market store and got myself a tiny jar of joy.


I don't know why it's not on sale anywhere else, and I can't tell from what dark depth of my gut feeling an impulse to check this store came from - but the fact is: I'll have a rye bread - Marmite - avocado toast for breakfast tomorrow!!

I think it is safe to say this little stubborn bunny has accomplished goal #4 for 2017

And has come back to running! Apart from stubbornness it took of course:

•  change of speed to 5.7 mi/hr,
• wearing compression socks 3 days a week (under suit trousers),
• taking my time stretching before and after running,
• including more of various stretches in the "before and after" routine,
• changing trainers.

Next stop from here - booking the 10K Harmonie Geneve pour UNICEF for 2018!

Having spent the day in rushing to daycare to drop off Chill Sr, rushing through traffic to Lakewood to work, spending 8 hours in "between worlds" physically and mentally in tax preparation, rushing through traffic to a grocery store with a list of groceries to buy to daycare for our snack days, rushing to daycare to pick up Chill Sr and drop off bags of food, rushing back home through traffic while talking to Chill (okay, talking to my kids is actually the best part of the day), preparing fish and veggies to load to the oven while having both Chills hanging on me demanding attention, going for a walk with 2 Chills and 2 of their bikes (for which the younger one needs assistance all the time) , coming home to a tantrum of 2 hungry kids refusing to wash hands before they are fed, serving the dinner and going through the dinner helping Chills with their food and jumping up every now and then for a glass of water or a tissue, while trying to grasp the idea of and contribute to the conversation of Von Zobel's work and clients, cleaning up after the dinner, preparing milk for Chills, getting them off to bed after a couple of short bedtime stories/ kids' poems, rushing to gym to hold on to my 5K progress, rushing back home to slay a couple more tax returns before making it to bed after 1am -

 -  I feel like politely replying to every "Happy 8th of March" I receive today by suggesting to shove it up...

Working for a month with no days off.

Unless 4-hr work days count as days off.
My job requires 60+ hour work weeks for another 6 weeks, and given that between dropping off and picking up Arthur from daycare I physically only spend 8-8.5 hrs in the office and all my time home before kids' bed time is devoted to kids (including cooking and some chores) - it's easy to picture what my nights are like. Or what my life is like. Actually, what is my life like now?

Third priority after family and work is workout, just as I planned. And it works well, and without physical activity nothing will work at all. Maybe that explains the reason I am able to keep mental sanity and work productivity :)

Pressure cooker is a life savior. Once a week I load in chicken or turkey legs ("drumsticks"), mix some basic sauce and pour over, set the timer for 15-18 minutes and leave off to play with or read to the boys. Other days it's baked or fried fish, quickly fried steaks, beef stroganoff in yet again pressure cooker (better than in the frying pan and no mess!) and - veggies. Lots of veggies! Salads, steamed Normandy mix, baked with fish, quickly sautéed with steak. Thank Buddha, all 3 guys in my family are happy with good veggie eaters! Non cooking every single evening, but not less than I was planning.

House cleaning -  falling a little behind, although it's not on top of my priorities list. Doing a good job not having any heavily messed up zones in the house, any piles of dirty laundry or mess in the kitchen.

As days get longer and warmer - I will need to start plugging in some work in the backyard too. Will have to figure exactly how :)

Grocery shopping and errands are done on Saturdays after work: manage to pick up all necessary stuff and not run out of anything essential in the middle of the week (although picking up fresh salads, fruit and veggies during work week is a must, yep!)

Last year at about same time I was past 2 exams and had 2 more to go - a pretty challenging period still, if not by such drastic lack of time then by psychological pressure. What's good about leaving this year behind - I'm still good at self discipline and self-organization and will pick peace of mind over calm lifestyle anytime.

Life is trully amazing

when, as you're rolling around the carpet in tears, miserable and whining, your son comes to you and hugs you. And then strokes your hair and tells you that everything will be Ok.
And the other son just learned to kiss you on the cheek, and that makes you smile and brings you back to life.

Another milestone is their progress in dialogues they now have. For example, as Arthur is putting together blocks with pictures and Adrian is putting in pieces in the clock shape sorter Arthur can ask:


- Can I help?
- No.
-No?
- No, I'll do it myself!

I feel like I'll be taking more and more notes of their little talks soon :)

The past week went under the motto of "buy a goat - sell the goat". Just as I suddenly got a goat on my plate - well, 3 actually - and then got rid of them life became much more tolerable.

Although I'm still contractually obligated to produce 50 hours a week, and although I'm used to working an average of 50hrs/week at a full time corporate position, I am somewhat slowing myself down from recording all the time I spend my reflections on whether my time spent was indeed 120% productive. Need to pretend I am a bog important lawyer and start billing every 5 minutes I spend on a client, and stop shaving off 1-2 hours a day already, before I fall behind on hours.



A new experience that came into my net this week was a sudden promotion within one UN upcoming project: they offered me to review and proofread. Walking around happy and proud of myself at a mere thought of it! I was just wondering how it happens than when I translate 4 simple lines from English to Russian I end up with 8! But looks like I'm on the right track.

There’re days when even the air around  is still, void and old. Sniff the air - and you know no changes are coming any time soon. Time to keep your head down and work, make progress, build up resources, build up your own resistance and wait for a better moment.

And then there’re days when you can sense the wind of change all around you: fresh, promising, full of hope. Giving you the alert to be ready for the long-awaited to emerge, the anticipation of the new and better. Evolving courage to go with the flow and trust your instincts for nothing can go wrong and the Universe will take care of you and place you exactly where you need to be.

...I left gym at 11pm tonight and walking home through the open space felt the change of wind. From still and heavy feeling of two days ago, it brought the sense of strength, calmness and an up move. And when I literally walked up the hill I saw huge full moon right above the lights of Centennial - usually the residential area of Centennial has no lights at night, but tonight the far end of the open space of our community ended in a silent void for miles ahead and rising above were the floating islands of lights and the surreal moon. All - like a picture of a different dimension woven by the wind in the night sky as I was walking towards it. It seemed all I had to do was just to make one step closer and stretch out my hand...

Only late in the evening did I start to realize the whole meaning of the news.

No more exams. No more tedious studies for the exams. No studies through Tax season! No stress of missing the deadline for credit expiration. No more of living hell of being stuck in uncertainty.

Freedom. Empowerment. Ability to move on in life. Ability to chose what to next.

I've counted 900 more work hours I need at the firm; the interesting thing here being - my old hours from 3 years ago expiring for licensing purposes and I am gaining new ones. In any case, I estimate 6 months as the latest I will need to wait before the official application process.

I already went to my goal page to cross off the goal on passing the last exam this year, but then I realized the goal actually read "to have the license in hand". Well then, just a little more time...

By the way, when I was going through my books - to give them to a next potential candidate - I found a sheet of paper folded and stuck between pages. In FAR book.

I don't know how many times I've changed today.

I think all I did was running around, changing clothes, accepting calls and messages, rushing-rushing-rushing...

From a hairdresser appointment at 7am (yes, on a  Saturday morning), to a swimming class for Chill Sr (while trying to pull Chill Jr away from the side of the pool), to quick lunch with friends and Liz (we stole the idea of catering with Mad Greens from my firm, from the lunch we had there yesterday), to Room Escape quest game (with a spy theme, and 1 hour is definitely not enough! Unless you want to cheat and cash in all your clues and prompts), to rushing back home and chinchilling with Chills who woke up soon after we came, to going to Von Zobel's favourite Helga's to fight off his deschnitzelization (yes, it's a condition), to working (Birthday is not an excuse to miss a day!) and finishing up Chill Jr's scrapbook (because the younger one must have anything the older one has... not to create precedents on playing favourites).





Sometimes I feel like I crushed into my Terrible Thirties full-speed: starting a completely new challenging and interesting job, starting up.... a start-up; a professional license, 2 kids, running 5Ks, taekwondo, articles on personal efficiency, productivity and time management, UN volunteering, reading all of Shakespeare works and researching options for Masters degrees and PhD...

But then I remember I've been in my Terrible Thirties for a long time now. Maybe my life shaped accordingly. And still, there is so much now I've always wanted and raced for, and that I now enjoy having and feel so grateful for. And do not believe anyone who says overachievers can never be happy as they always need to have more. We do long for more, but we are happy with what we have here and now, and we are happy in the process of moving forward, exploring, doing and experiencing. If I were to complete this life now - I would die completely satisfied of what I've done so far ( and curious of what the next life will bring!)
However, I still have an unfinished business in this life...

2016 could have been the first year during which  I could have made 6 blood donations - the maximum number of donations in a year.

- Ha! - said the Universe and dropped the level of iron in my blood quite below the acceptable level right on the day of donation.

-Ok, - I thought, -  Saves an hour for errands; can finish my errands sooner and study without interruption.

- Yep! - said the Universe and started a snowfall on Wednesday, causing the test center to be closed the next day due to weather conditions.

- No problem, - said I. - I will reschedule and have a few more days for revision.

- Good luck with that! - said the Universe and generously presented the next appointment on the exam calendar 2 weeks after my start date at work. Which kind of ... interfered with my goal of being done with the exam before my start date, and not having to study at night, being all exhausted.

Having spent a decent amount of time and energy on the phone with Prometric, I got a testing time in 2 days, rather than 2 weeks. "Cool" - thought I.

- Ha! - said the Universe and got my kids' nanny sick the next morning. The morning I had to drop off my car for repair right after dropping off Arthur at daycare.

- Whatever, - I said. With Von Zobel's help of managing 1 car seat and 1 child, dropped off Arthur, was at repair shop on time, managed to take off 2nd booster seat (extremely hard to do when it's below zero outside and your fingers are frozen), patiently waited for the staff to double and triple check their calendar as they did not even have me down  for that morning (despite confirmations and reminders emailed to me!), patiently waited for rental car company to pick me up (which should have been arranged for the time of my arrival to the car shop), patiently went through the rental car pick up process and finally got home very close to boiling point in my brain.

- Ok, good luck with your revision now, - said the Universe
- Ha! - said I. And focused on the revision, and played with Chill Jr after he woke up, and took him to Chill Sr's daycare to pick him up together.

The next day was pretty uneventful, and started with Chill Sr's  swimming classes and continued into dealing with screaming kids (Von Zobel did get them out for a walk at some point though), and finding myself in the end of a looong queue once I arrived to the testing center. Apparently, everybody felt as smart as I was and decided to come a little early. But I did get to start the exam on time, and there were no technical hiccup along the way either. And even though my brain was fried after the exam (as it always is) I managed to get through some unfinished business that night, and today too, functioning more like on an autopilot, but getting things done nevertheless.

New phase in life commences tomorrow. Thank you, Dear Universe!
I need to work out a new schedule and a new source of energy to follow it through daily. :)