Burnt at a baseball game.

But had such a great time and stayed focused with new potential co-workers I also had no clue what was going on the field.


Walking back to the office from light rail station, all hot, red, sweaty, exhausted and content with the day - I realized that all the 3-4 baseball games I have been to - were all networking events. That is, I've never been to a baseball game just for the sake of it, but only as part of networking - yep, a great example of great modern culture, - and never had a chance to actually though roughly see and comprehend the game.




Note to self: switch to tennis games as for business and networking. Then learn to play golf and switch to golf :)
Note #2: if your firm's partner tells you you can wear shorts to the office due to baseball game trip - he might actually mean it.

Every time I finish mopping the floor, take the posture of homo erectus again and wait until my face gains my normal colour back and my hands stop burning (oh, who am I kidding?! I never just "wait" for anything, I go on with the next thing to do on my list) - I tell myself enough is enough and I need to arrange for cleaning services to help if not every other week, then at least once a month.


But then I go and shoot an email to a handgun training facility to see their classes availability, and check updated schedule for Arthur's swimming and MMA classes he will start this fall, and well - since I'm on it anyway, check for Taekwondo adult classes for myself, and jot down a memo to buy a couple of presents and a gift card for the upcoming parties.
And finally, I circle back to the reflection that while eventful life happens in my house at an intense speed - housekeeping needs to be pushed back. Just for a little longer.

Thinking outloud



When proponents of "family" as a necessary institution and a mandatory integral part of a life of any "socially-healthy and normal" individual explain the advantages of maintaining good relationships with close and remote family members - the arguments used revolve around the idea that family gives you strength, that the best moments in life are shared with your family, that the family shapes you into your best self, that your parents have made an investment - that no one ever will be able to match! - into you, in money, time, energy. That the seniors in your family will shower you with words of wisdom, care and support in difficult times, and the ones closest to you will always share the burden, and the ones you've helped - will return the favour. And if this is not how things have worked out for you - than there's definitely something wrong with you, ungrateful looser.

All in all - the family is viewed as the best thing that can happen to you, the best thing you will ever have and the main reason you work, stay healthy, educate yourself, have a social life, have a romantic relationship. And of course, we know that the biggest advocates of rules (let alone the creators) - are those who benefit from them the most - but this is a point I will come back to some day later.

The 2 questions I have following the imposed statement though are:

Should blood ties ( or any blood ties of blood ties ) that create a feeling of misery and anger ; that suck out energy and feed on somebody else's hardship and problems; that tell lies and gossip behind the back; that demand commitment to living a life based on their needs and expectations; that use manipulations (especially sudden problems with health), psychological pressure; that are rude, insincere, immature and absolutely do not care about the consequences of their actions and behavior on other people's lives - be considered a family?

Can family - by the definition of people who make you feel stronger, better, more secure, happier - consist of friends and life mentors?





Buy a goat. Sell the goat.

And in comparison life will become a little better.


Sleeping without the compression stocking is a relief. Walking with little pain - is great. So is having a clear head and not walking around like a zombie, still under the residue of anesthesia, fatigue and more sleep deprivation -with your kid having croup.


Catching up with work and house cleaning is a relief.


Planned out the next 1.5 month in 6x6 form - realized I still have shitload to do, but at the same time it feels nice to have a micro-plan for every single upcoming day.


Seeing your family feeling better - is great. I don't know by what magic I managed not to get sick this time. Most likely - a combination of luck, meds I've been taking and such heavy inner state of fatigue that any viruses that I catch die of exhaustion and sleep deprivation within 24 hours.

Bloody summer. Only in my life -

- less than a day after general anesthesia I am behind the wheel, driving, maybe slightly faster than I should be and listening to Latin, yes.  First - driving to the phlebologist, where the optimistic words of the surgery having gone well make me sigh with relief, but the actual sight of my right leg makes me dizzy for 10 seconds :) Then - rushing to work, making a call to pediatrician on the way about Adrian's fever and cough, scheduling an appointment for him just before noon, bursting into my office to grab files and print outs to go over with partners, explaining them the hustle and grabbing as much work as I can to complete home.

Then again - flying low above ground home, picking up warm and apathetic Adrian, rushing with him to the pediatricians, carrying him around in my arms - trying to forget I'm not supposed to be carrying kids for another 2 weeks. Having him checked all over, diagnosed with croup and given a dose of steroids and a prescription for some more that I will drop off at Walgreens on the way home.
Trying to feed poor sick baby through barking cough and congestion, putting him to bed, not able to leave until he cuddles on me and passes out in my arms in the arm chair, getting back to work.
Talking to the pediatrician's office after he wakes up about not much progress going on, taking him right back for a shot of steroids this time  - and him being in my arms and on my shoulder all this time, weak and unable to walk on his own.

Picking up meds on the way home and feeling happy and grateful there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and no cooking apart from quick chicken broth with veggies is needed.
C'est que nous ne tue pas...

Passing out under anesthesia yesterday was an interesting experience though. Just a few seconds ago I was joking on with nurses about having panic attacks in hospitals and that they had to keep my phone away from me after drugging me  - and then I'm already waking up in a different room feeling I did not get enough sleep  in the past hour. Shame. I had big expectations from this 1 extra hour of sleep ))

Definitely not enough capacity for all I need to do.

I overuse my agenda, I jot down every thought that passes my mind - so it does not indeed stay there and take more of my personal RAM.


I cut down the big projects at work and finish them bit by bit, along with following up on projects pending since after Tax season. I cleaned my office, and things sped up a little. Life somehow always starts to go faster and easier anytime I do actual physical cleaning. I have more cleaning to do at home, along with replacing some of work clothes. Last year I could rely on my European shopping, this year I barely could fit all the clothes we had in Slovenia. Many thanks to the Universe for the Zip-lock bags, an understanding attendant in Ljubljana airport who counted the overall weight for 3 suitcases and disregarded overweight in 2 of them, and also - for the intuition that held me off from buying clothes last week of May :).


I sleep for 5-6 hours a night, take a while to realize who I am and where I am and what day of the week it is although meanwhile I perfectly navigate myself around bedroom, bathroom and closet with my eyes half-open. I complete packing lunch bags for Chinchillas and start breakfast, and barely after 7 - wake them up and dress them and try to pull them to the kitchen and one of them performs a world drama every morning. While they are eating I finish throwing in food for the day for myself, and make coffee, and just do not have enough time to eat myself because there is never enough time for everything. But I can cheat the system, make myself a marmite-avocado toast and have it in the car, with coffee, after I drop off chinchillas to kindergarten and before I put on my makeup, still in the car. And maybe, once I get to work I can have a yoghurt or some leftovers of cottage cheese right from the plastic jar, or muesli that I poured milk into a couple of hours ago, still at home.


But neither having breakfast, lunch or snacks at work matter, because at this time of my life - it is really only fuel to keep myself going fast and do thing quickly and right the first time.
Because I am already angry with myself for not having completed Ethics exam by now, and I give myself time till next Tuesday.
Because I need more time for only all the auxiliary activities in my life - and that covers the life of other people in my household apart from my own health and recovery. Which means I will be constantly spreading my time thinly own gym and beauty rituals, my recovery and doctors' appointments,  and keeping the house clean and the fridge full, with asking for advice on contractors for backyard projects and looking for replacement for bedroom ceiling light, and for taking Chinchillas to their doctors and dentists, doing activities with them, reading books and brushing teeth, and getting up at night to sick  or thirsty kid, if needed.
Because I have more interests and more ideas coming to my mind than I can handle and manage and plan. And I already have not only a dozen goals for this year pending in my agenda, but also already have the next page completely covered with ideas and plans I find essential to take on next.


And in a few more years I will be looking back at my life now with all kicks and clenched teeth in attempts not to let go of anything important and not to pivot from what I think will matter most for me - and I'll be thinking...


... I don't know what I will be thinking :) After all, I will be a different person in 5 years, just as I could not have imagined my strength and potential 5 years ago...
Actually,  I do know what I will definitely think, no matter the circumstances: why did it take me so long? Why did I not move faster at the same time doing more every day for what's most important to me? Why did I not do everything possible, and then - impossible to get to all vital change in life quicker?

Early Monday evening of a long 4-day weekend. Swimming pool.

I'm chasing Arthur in the water trying to bring him from the shallow part to the deep one and hold him while he tries to remember some swimming techniques. He is absolutely reluctant to move to the deeper end:
- Not going there! I don't want to! Nooo!


***efilymkcuf*** Taking a deep breath, holding him tight, and supporting by tummy and under arms so he feels comfortable enough to agree to move to a deeper side. After a few minutes of getting used to sailing on Mommy a new quest begins: Mommy wants to try swimming in a floating vest, and Arthur is not keep on transitioning to it yet. I mean, if Mom wants - she can try to float on her own (if she can buckle it, hahahaha), and yes, I know my cousin floats just fine, but I'm not interested; and you keep saying it's easy and safe, but still not interested, and I see my little brother is trying to jump into the pool at 4ft on his own, but no, I'm not afraid just reasonably cautious. Reasonable cautiousness has been the basis for babies' survival for centuries, everybody knows that. Even when a baby is well in his three...


Leaving Arthur alone and supporting him for as long as it takes - yields first results: Arthur realizes the vest is not made of lead and water is quite safe and starts moving his arms and legs, pushing himself towards the side of the pool. Now it's important not to hold excitement and pride within and keep telling him what a smart and amazing kid he is. And as he keeps on hearing being praised, his kicking and scooping become stronger and more confident, his face becomes more relaxed and brights up and as he reaches the side of the pool he exclaims:


- I swam! I swam on my own.
- You did indeed! You did such an amazing job! See, you were afraid at first, but then you pushed yourself, and did your best, and stayed focused - and swam on your own! If you are brave, persistent and strong - you can do anything you want and you can learn to do anything you want!


Happy. Exited. Proud of himself:
- I want to swim again!


And we swim again to the middle of the pool, and then back to the side. And again. And he is happy for climbing this mountain, and I am happy for him, and the sun shines and the wind gets  stronger, and he is shivering , and it's almost 6 and time to leave.


-Sweetie, let's go.
- I don't want to leave!
- It's time to go!
- I want to swim!
- You're shivering, wet, cold and your lips are turning blue.
- No! I want to swim more!!!


***efilymkcuf***

Old diaries.

I have 2 shoe boxes worth of old poor quality paper note pads, soaked in ink of a dozen colours. Old photos, Birthday cards, tiny items on a chain - things I did not know I had: a thin pebble with a hole, a silver heart, a razor...
An older box was dated 31.12.2003 and was covered by a sheet of paper with a warning against opening the archive. I closed the archive :) Quite a character I was half a life ago..

I was planning to pick up both boxes, but only if I left a good portion of my clothes here for another year or two. Now it looks like I will not need any of my stuff here in a year of two. But I will still take all of my diaries even if that means throwing away half of my stuff...

Making a packing list for 3 week trip for each member of the family is a no-bullshit skill.

Especially when 2 lists are for super-active toddlers, when your views on husband's wardrobe for those 3 weeks typically differs from his view, and when there's a wedding to attend in the middle of the trip.

Other no-bullshit skills include buying all the necessary stuff for the trip some time in tiny time slots between work and picking up Chill Sr from Kindergarten  and while running other errands on weekend. That includes picking presents for the hosts.

Packing the entire family, with all those 4 sheets of paper put side by side, while kids are running around trying to do their own packing and replace neatly packed clothes and shoes with toys in every suitcase - is a must-learn know how if you ever want to have more than 1 kids and to sacrifice your lifestyle in progress :)

Nevertheless: for all the airfare worth, we now have:
 3 full size suitcases, fully packed (20kg +), with vaccum packing bags used for kids warm clothes (jackets, vests and sweaters) wrapped around a large tequila bottle and kids shoes (including rain boots),
1 sports backpack for toys and change of clothes for boys, diapers and wipes + a laptop and ipad;
1 sports backpack for electronics and misc. things for the trip (meds, travel pillows), + professional camera+ laptop+ipad + printouts with itineraries, copies of passports etc.
1 large kids backpack for snacks (gets lighter as we eat :)  )
1 toddler mini-backpack for WIPES: heavy duty, kids, facial - wipes.
5 mice by the name of Squirrel were strategically diffused between suitcases and backpacks.


On a side note - the durability of my suitcase is amazing. There're scratches, holes at the bottom, the small "legs" fell off a while ago, however it never felt apart and the zippers still do not jam. Only the names of the places it has been taken to, written inside with nail polish - peel, as does Oscar Wilde's quote in the middle :)  It will celebrate its 15 year birthday this summer - never lost, never stolen.

Some raw thoughts.

Today, in the middle of footing some employee IRA matching and totals, I had a sudden thought. Say, I have quite a few goals for the coming year, and not all of them are one-step, unsophisticated plans that I can accomplish in a day or two.

A few of them do look like they will consume a lot of time and money before something will start to shape up, and the problem is - I can not even be sure of the result as I do not really have anyone in my close circles who has gone through same relevant experience. For example, thinking about 1 year from now  -  I will have a choice of either having 3rd child, or run Geneva UNICEF 10K of course, or make some advancements or looking for a niche in my career, which will involve more education and training. And all these projects are absolutely mutually exclusive. I can pick 1 thing and work my schedule and my budget around this one thing only. And I'm sure this is just a small sample of the "forks" that I will need to resolve in the coming years.

And so, I felt like a need help on a bigger scale: people willing to help me in one way or another, whether with time or advice, or sharing some knowledge which will spare me from extensive research, or just providing some moral and mental support.
What if I did have a team - virtual mostly - to back me up with all those needs that will come up? What if I start with a social experiment and see if it is possible to organize such a team, and how it will evolve and whether people will voluntarily offer help on a constant basis in return for support, help and advice back when possible (I believe in gratitude , help and mutual support, yep), but also for being a part of larger projects and receiving constant progress updates, pros and cons of untypical life decisions, and as a result - a blueprint for going through same or similar situations should they ever need to?

On the other hand - and it is a significant downside for me - this team building (literally) strategy implies consistency in following specific steps, providing updates, and hell - creating and maintaining a specific public image. Which I would hate to do on a 5 year span.

But it will potentially provide help and support.

But will take away time, privacy and a certain degree of freedom of choice in decision making.

But will allow me to access, borrow and leverage other people's knowledge, time and ideas.

But will put me in position when I will have to give some back. To owe them. And I hate to owe anything for anyone.

Did some preliminary planning for 2018 UNICEF Marathon.

- the ne registration is open now.

Given that the hotel availability might change, that most of the trip search and booking platforms do not show airfare for later than mid-April 2018, that I only counted 2 full days in Geneva (3 nights total, that is), that we might be looking at 2 registration fees if Belkin decides to run - I'm looking at $1,500 for just this item on my bucket list. Pretty realistic and could be worse :)

On a side note - the Universe just bumped my head into the idea of increasing my monthly earning capacity to what I was planning to be my next quarterly earning capacity. Perfect timing as always - just as I start to relax and have doubts about the reason of all the wishes, goals and master life projects I have and why the hell should I .... - here comes a gentle reminder: pull yourself together, do what needs to be done and live the life you want.

Sudden hail in Lakewood.

Looking out of the window - the street is gloomy and dark, the shower of hail pellets size of almond to a small chicken is hitting cars parked outside, trimming the trees , knocking down pine cones and large beautiful pink blossoms off the apple trees.


Beautiful to watch. Especially when you parked in the covered parking lot, still have electricity in your office, and a raspberry-pomegranate cuppa, and a fresh 990 to do.

Sleep and peace of mind, as well as ability to shift my mind to anything other than work

work wonders.


I feel more human again, look much more human, wake up with minimum to none headaches, and cut down crying from twice a day every work day - to once a day a few times a week.


I catch up on the work projects that had been postponed due to tax season, trying to foresee everything that needs to be bough for Slovenia - including gifts, and desperately plan and organize all health and household projects for May and Summer.


Funny - I write down all my thoughts, wishes and ideas to empty out my mind, and get a to-do list 2-3 pages long (and counting); but the flow of thoughts in my head never stops.
As if for each to-do item I write to clear my head of it - 2 more come in, something that I have been putting off till better times for too long, or something that I can only now think of and appreciate.
I'm not even surprised but only giggling at how I will be working it all out - from kids' dental and pediatric appointments this summer- to window replacement, from going through the bureaucratic process of License application to planning out 3 more trips for this year, from Jury Duty and surgery this summer to planning out my next career steps.


And yet, once I write down something I need to do, I can't help thinking about how small and unimportant it is. And as if, with dozens of trivial things to do and make decision about, I am losing time for something important I would rather be working on now... 

I sometimes feel like I start to behave like a typical "Russian mother" walking around the community and neighbourhood

constantly yelling out remarks to her kids.
-Arthur, don't walk out on your own!
- Adrian, don't go there alone!
- Arthur, STOP!!! And look to your left and right to see if a car is coming!
- Adrian, please keep walking! DON"T STOP in the middle of the road!
- Arthur, no, you can't pee at their lawn!
- Adrian, don't run into the puddle! You're not wearing your rain boots, remember! Don't slap the puddle with your bare hands please!
-Arthur, please don't harass the worm! No, he doesn't like it!
- Hey! You both! Stop throwing stones into the sewer!
-Arthur, please look straight ahead! You're going to run somebody over on your tricycle!




And it goes on, and on and on. Yes, I only raise my voice when my kids are at a distance - so they can- physically- hear me better. And yes, I have the luxury of not screaming my head off for soiled clothes, or for my kids for actually walking, running or... biking away at their own pace and not walking next to me the whole time, or for actually walking in the after rain mud. I spare my voice for special moments only :)


But I still don't see how it's possible to be the only mother who.... wait, I don't see any other mothers out for a walk with toddlers. Actually, I don't see any toddlers either. It's not typical working hours... where are all the kids thought? Hmmm, maybe that's why....

Done with Tax season 2017 :)

Almost unbelievable how I managed to survive the past 2.5 months without a single day off, in one piece, in full sanity, continuing jogging and doing some volunteering work. Although given that I never give in - it was not that unbelievable after all.


Our firm gave away Vivofits as little token of appreciation for the good job done this Tax season - and I love the gesture! While I'm not letting this AI bracelet spying on me in my sleep, the step counter will be very useful in a month, during our European hikes and long strolls with Chinchillas.


Speaking about upcoming Euro-trip 2017 - there's a lot of planning to be done for Croatia and Italy (Austria/Latvia - TBC) and even more unfinished business to catch up on before mid-May. This includes bringing my health and body back from Survivor mode to sustainable highly-functioning state, doing a couple of photo-shooting, buying my Wedding witness dress, buying presents and some clothes and toys for Chills Sr & Jr, catching up at work and making all doctor appointments for this summer. Sounds easier that it is :)


Decided to take a break from Shakespeare and Goethe and am now listening to the Slovenian Language CD in my car. What a huge difference it makes - to start learning your first foreign language (or two) with all continuous repeating of easy words, long explanation of easy grammar concepts and - God forbid to come to this again! - learning phonetical transcriptions! And then - attempting your 5th (or 6th? lost count) language, by listening, in car - on the way to work and back, in the middle of your breakfast (yes, still in the car), driving with one hand, holding coffee cup with the other and almost yelling so I can hear myself - kaj je glavno mesto Spanije?!