Passionarity then, huh? :)

"... the ability for and urge towards changing the environment, both social and natural, or, physically speaking, towards the disturbance of inertia of the aggregative state of an environment"
http://creativity.netslova.ru/Passionarity.html


A politically correct synonym for the yet another Russian "awe up in the ass".

After a long week...

Doing 3K on elliptical, full speed and high resistance. Sweating like nobody's business, going backwards to catch breath on the peak of the "hill" and finishing up Coursera course. Predictably, nearly all theories on self growth, success - subjective success and achievement revolve around the idea of constant improvement, focus and adapting way of life to the vision of ideal future. A well formed and expressed idea of the course though was that "success" in modern terms of way of life refers more to a "well balanced" life than to the life where just one part of it is taken to the extreme. That's extremely close to my definition of a  successful life, and the way I try to arrange mine.

In such thoughts worked my abs, biceps, hips. Came home winded up, cleaned the kitchen.
Wrote 3 thesis for the article on fear.
Looked through my goals for the week, realized I never made an attempt to draw an elk this year, and it's  already October. Put on an elk drawing online lesson, took a pen and legal pad, drew an elk:

Saw that I never opened the DALF study book, took it, opened it, put on the CD, listened to the comprehension text. To my great shock, understood the text was about an ex-IT guy who was not fulfilled with his job, so he quit and became a carpenter and is much happier with his job and workplace environment now.

Realized I'm behind on Shakespeare. Downloaded all remaining works according to my list from Librivox and put a note in agenda to buy blank CD-RWs.

Saw that I never went back to Taekwondo this year. Put a note to the upcoming week - to call the Taekwondo studio next to our King Soopers and inquire about schedule and membership fees.

Had some wine, but was still too wind up to go to bed. Cleaned the bathroom and closet. Cleaned the shelves in the bedroom. Ordered kids' poem books in the library.

Wrote a page-long list of stuff to do for the coming weekend.

Two shoe boxes full of my diaries have been stashed in a secure place for months.

For months I have had no time to get back to the contents of the box, glimpse through the diaries, see once meaningful little things from friends and lovers, finally go through the piles of the paper, pictures and cards and see what's all that was about. I anticipated some feeling of nostalgia of the kind of girl I used to be, I thought the memoirs of the days, of all the problems I had would be "cute and sweet", and how I would feel disappointment - yet again - for wasting time in my adolescence and childhood, and not being able to stand up for myself. And then - since past is not going anywhere anyway, there're no rush in getting my hands on the archive, right?


Expectation vs Reality.


I could not make my way through 3 note pads of diaries. Some of those events would come back to me other than from my diaries, but in hindsight - it was one big endless groundhog day, which I'm trying to dilute with escaping to books and my own world as much as possible. There were occasional trips to very nice places, but they still left me feeling like inside of a fish tank: you're in a wonderful place, but fully dependent on family's agenda, mood swings and perception of comme il faut behavior. Except, perhaps, two trips to summer camp where if I saw an opportunity within hand reach - I could actually grab it.
 Hundreds of pages - probably -  talking in very details, although never directly,  about dead ends, solitude, sickness, sadness, rejection, lack of support, lack of direction in life.

Needless to say that brought up no nostalgia and no sweet feelings of younger self. It definitely raised some immediate anger, frustration and intention to push forward harder now, to use all the resources I have and to make sure I do not waste a day. Since I have already lost so many of them in first 16 years of my life, and you never know, in what... Afganistan I could be born in my next life :)

Bang your head at the wall.
Sigh.
Sip tea.
Realize works tends to come your way and build up faster than you can do it. And the thoughts about current day and week, and about everything it would be nice to do - tend to build up and run ahead of you even faster.
Bang your head at the wall.
Feel - probably caused by all this rush - some thoughts in your head. Some about work. Some about... your other job. Some - about volunteering. Some thoughts - rhyming. Until it becomes completely unclear what you need to do now, and in what order. And if you need to write down your thoughts and ideas now - not to forget them later - which one do you begin with?
Print out your completed project. But you'd rather go running instead.
Bang your head at the wall.

I love Colorado summer - nearly 6 months of good weather stretched from mid-Spring to mid-Fall. On the other hand it's quite misleading: you live in a day with green grass and leaves not yet turning for weeks, and weeks and weeks until you realize it's actually mid-September. And a little over 3 months until 2017 is over. And there's so much to do, and nothing is completed: the evaluation team is not poked hard enough, 990s are not learned quickly enough (if they can be learned at all), pictures are not draws, Shakespeare's works are still not read. And don't be fooled - it's already September...

Suddenly.

I know what I will be doing next summer.
And what I'll do to get there.
And a specific way to arrange my life around it, and what to ask in the first place, and how to play the potential benefits.


Seems that any time it looks like there can be no less time or energy whatsoever to fit in anything else in my day - the Universe casually gives me a hint on how to put together all pieces of puzzle.
Thanks, Universe. I'm on it. B-)

Someone - I think it was Brian Tracy - once said that the number of potential errors in a process is the square of the number of people that are involved in it, moving from one step to another.


If that's just me - I can make 1 error. If I involve 2 more people - I create room for 4 more potential errors. That's true and proven on a daily basis :)


Right now though I feel like apart from creating an exponential growth of errors, every party I deal with is rolling time backwards so I'm held back on the same point for days: from figuring out a process by trial and error on my own to escalating a month (!) delay in evaluation.
Does it really take half-a dozen calls to coordinate something as simple as a ceiling light installation of window replacement?
How can you possibly spend a month searching for 1 envelope, when it only takes 36 hours to locate it AND go through the contents - but after an escalation?
How can you find 1 document out of 3 in an envelope - and keep saying the other 2 pages were not there?
Wouldn't it be quicker and easier - on everyone - to include some instructions and hints for a new task? No, personal remarks and conflicting messages are not professional instructions.
Do I absolutely have to follow up on every thing I request?
I'm already doing plenty of volunteer work of my own choice. Where did you get my phone number?


So, every time I start thinking about MBA or PhD studies, and international work, a house remodeling project, a surgical procedure  - I can't help thinking what mayhem it will create tying to get though bureaucracy of registrars', collecting all necessary documents, organizing and coordinating people in different time zones and of different cultures, following up on every step of a project every day and running around trying to fit in calls and meeting people live into my already insane schedule, wasting hours bein on hold with hospitals and insurance companies and then trying to understand the bullshit basis of accounting they use on the bills and claims.
No thanks - not until I work close to home, and have a second independent and reliable source of income.


Arthur just said the other day he needs one Mom for himself, one for Adrian and one - to do the cooking. I'm already embodying all these 3 "selves" (and many more), but the idea or a virtual PA sounds more and more appealing now.

I have slept for 7 hours for four days in a row and now my mind is playing tricks on me

and generates most random dreams, the first dreams in weeks, maybe months.

Why would my subconscious mind show me a person I haven't seen in over a decade, and in circumstances that are not true to life and never were, with dialogues and intentions that are not realistic? In any case, looks like my mind is recovering so I  would just let it do its thing.

Nevertheless I found the last online dialog I had with this person a year ago, read it and then read into it again, and then I realized how pushy I might seem sometimes with my style of communication, with how many details I provide , and how my descriptions sound like one flow of thoughts. And how unusual, overwhelming and challenging this might be true a the other party who do not describe the past few years of their life with neither much excitement nor bigger vocabulary than social protocol prescribes.

Burnt at a baseball game.

But had such a great time and stayed focused with new potential co-workers I also had no clue what was going on the field.


Walking back to the office from light rail station, all hot, red, sweaty, exhausted and content with the day - I realized that all the 3-4 baseball games I have been to - were all networking events. That is, I've never been to a baseball game just for the sake of it, but only as part of networking - yep, a great example of great modern culture, - and never had a chance to actually though roughly see and comprehend the game.




Note to self: switch to tennis games as for business and networking. Then learn to play golf and switch to golf :)
Note #2: if your firm's partner tells you you can wear shorts to the office due to baseball game trip - he might actually mean it.

Every time I finish mopping the floor, take the posture of homo erectus again and wait until my face gains my normal colour back and my hands stop burning (oh, who am I kidding?! I never just "wait" for anything, I go on with the next thing to do on my list) - I tell myself enough is enough and I need to arrange for cleaning services to help if not every other week, then at least once a month.


But then I go and shoot an email to a handgun training facility to see their classes availability, and check updated schedule for Arthur's swimming and MMA classes he will start this fall, and well - since I'm on it anyway, check for Taekwondo adult classes for myself, and jot down a memo to buy a couple of presents and a gift card for the upcoming parties.
And finally, I circle back to the reflection that while eventful life happens in my house at an intense speed - housekeeping needs to be pushed back. Just for a little longer.

Thinking outloud



When proponents of "family" as a necessary institution and a mandatory integral part of a life of any "socially-healthy and normal" individual explain the advantages of maintaining good relationships with close and remote family members - the arguments used revolve around the idea that family gives you strength, that the best moments in life are shared with your family, that the family shapes you into your best self, that your parents have made an investment - that no one ever will be able to match! - into you, in money, time, energy. That the seniors in your family will shower you with words of wisdom, care and support in difficult times, and the ones closest to you will always share the burden, and the ones you've helped - will return the favour. And if this is not how things have worked out for you - than there's definitely something wrong with you, ungrateful looser.

All in all - the family is viewed as the best thing that can happen to you, the best thing you will ever have and the main reason you work, stay healthy, educate yourself, have a social life, have a romantic relationship. And of course, we know that the biggest advocates of rules (let alone the creators) - are those who benefit from them the most - but this is a point I will come back to some day later.

The 2 questions I have following the imposed statement though are:

Should blood ties ( or any blood ties of blood ties ) that create a feeling of misery and anger ; that suck out energy and feed on somebody else's hardship and problems; that tell lies and gossip behind the back; that demand commitment to living a life based on their needs and expectations; that use manipulations (especially sudden problems with health), psychological pressure; that are rude, insincere, immature and absolutely do not care about the consequences of their actions and behavior on other people's lives - be considered a family?

Can family - by the definition of people who make you feel stronger, better, more secure, happier - consist of friends and life mentors?





Buy a goat. Sell the goat.

And in comparison life will become a little better.


Sleeping without the compression stocking is a relief. Walking with little pain - is great. So is having a clear head and not walking around like a zombie, still under the residue of anesthesia, fatigue and more sleep deprivation -with your kid having croup.


Catching up with work and house cleaning is a relief.


Planned out the next 1.5 month in 6x6 form - realized I still have shitload to do, but at the same time it feels nice to have a micro-plan for every single upcoming day.


Seeing your family feeling better - is great. I don't know by what magic I managed not to get sick this time. Most likely - a combination of luck, meds I've been taking and such heavy inner state of fatigue that any viruses that I catch die of exhaustion and sleep deprivation within 24 hours.

Bloody summer. Only in my life -

- less than a day after general anesthesia I am behind the wheel, driving, maybe slightly faster than I should be and listening to Latin, yes.  First - driving to the phlebologist, where the optimistic words of the surgery having gone well make me sigh with relief, but the actual sight of my right leg makes me dizzy for 10 seconds :) Then - rushing to work, making a call to pediatrician on the way about Adrian's fever and cough, scheduling an appointment for him just before noon, bursting into my office to grab files and print outs to go over with partners, explaining them the hustle and grabbing as much work as I can to complete home.

Then again - flying low above ground home, picking up warm and apathetic Adrian, rushing with him to the pediatricians, carrying him around in my arms - trying to forget I'm not supposed to be carrying kids for another 2 weeks. Having him checked all over, diagnosed with croup and given a dose of steroids and a prescription for some more that I will drop off at Walgreens on the way home.
Trying to feed poor sick baby through barking cough and congestion, putting him to bed, not able to leave until he cuddles on me and passes out in my arms in the arm chair, getting back to work.
Talking to the pediatrician's office after he wakes up about not much progress going on, taking him right back for a shot of steroids this time  - and him being in my arms and on my shoulder all this time, weak and unable to walk on his own.

Picking up meds on the way home and feeling happy and grateful there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge and no cooking apart from quick chicken broth with veggies is needed.
C'est que nous ne tue pas...

Passing out under anesthesia yesterday was an interesting experience though. Just a few seconds ago I was joking on with nurses about having panic attacks in hospitals and that they had to keep my phone away from me after drugging me  - and then I'm already waking up in a different room feeling I did not get enough sleep  in the past hour. Shame. I had big expectations from this 1 extra hour of sleep ))

Definitely not enough capacity for all I need to do.

I overuse my agenda, I jot down every thought that passes my mind - so it does not indeed stay there and take more of my personal RAM.


I cut down the big projects at work and finish them bit by bit, along with following up on projects pending since after Tax season. I cleaned my office, and things sped up a little. Life somehow always starts to go faster and easier anytime I do actual physical cleaning. I have more cleaning to do at home, along with replacing some of work clothes. Last year I could rely on my European shopping, this year I barely could fit all the clothes we had in Slovenia. Many thanks to the Universe for the Zip-lock bags, an understanding attendant in Ljubljana airport who counted the overall weight for 3 suitcases and disregarded overweight in 2 of them, and also - for the intuition that held me off from buying clothes last week of May :).


I sleep for 5-6 hours a night, take a while to realize who I am and where I am and what day of the week it is although meanwhile I perfectly navigate myself around bedroom, bathroom and closet with my eyes half-open. I complete packing lunch bags for Chinchillas and start breakfast, and barely after 7 - wake them up and dress them and try to pull them to the kitchen and one of them performs a world drama every morning. While they are eating I finish throwing in food for the day for myself, and make coffee, and just do not have enough time to eat myself because there is never enough time for everything. But I can cheat the system, make myself a marmite-avocado toast and have it in the car, with coffee, after I drop off chinchillas to kindergarten and before I put on my makeup, still in the car. And maybe, once I get to work I can have a yoghurt or some leftovers of cottage cheese right from the plastic jar, or muesli that I poured milk into a couple of hours ago, still at home.


But neither having breakfast, lunch or snacks at work matter, because at this time of my life - it is really only fuel to keep myself going fast and do thing quickly and right the first time.
Because I am already angry with myself for not having completed Ethics exam by now, and I give myself time till next Tuesday.
Because I need more time for only all the auxiliary activities in my life - and that covers the life of other people in my household apart from my own health and recovery. Which means I will be constantly spreading my time thinly own gym and beauty rituals, my recovery and doctors' appointments,  and keeping the house clean and the fridge full, with asking for advice on contractors for backyard projects and looking for replacement for bedroom ceiling light, and for taking Chinchillas to their doctors and dentists, doing activities with them, reading books and brushing teeth, and getting up at night to sick  or thirsty kid, if needed.
Because I have more interests and more ideas coming to my mind than I can handle and manage and plan. And I already have not only a dozen goals for this year pending in my agenda, but also already have the next page completely covered with ideas and plans I find essential to take on next.


And in a few more years I will be looking back at my life now with all kicks and clenched teeth in attempts not to let go of anything important and not to pivot from what I think will matter most for me - and I'll be thinking...


... I don't know what I will be thinking :) After all, I will be a different person in 5 years, just as I could not have imagined my strength and potential 5 years ago...
Actually,  I do know what I will definitely think, no matter the circumstances: why did it take me so long? Why did I not move faster at the same time doing more every day for what's most important to me? Why did I not do everything possible, and then - impossible to get to all vital change in life quicker?

Early Monday evening of a long 4-day weekend. Swimming pool.

I'm chasing Arthur in the water trying to bring him from the shallow part to the deep one and hold him while he tries to remember some swimming techniques. He is absolutely reluctant to move to the deeper end:
- Not going there! I don't want to! Nooo!


***efilymkcuf*** Taking a deep breath, holding him tight, and supporting by tummy and under arms so he feels comfortable enough to agree to move to a deeper side. After a few minutes of getting used to sailing on Mommy a new quest begins: Mommy wants to try swimming in a floating vest, and Arthur is not keep on transitioning to it yet. I mean, if Mom wants - she can try to float on her own (if she can buckle it, hahahaha), and yes, I know my cousin floats just fine, but I'm not interested; and you keep saying it's easy and safe, but still not interested, and I see my little brother is trying to jump into the pool at 4ft on his own, but no, I'm not afraid just reasonably cautious. Reasonable cautiousness has been the basis for babies' survival for centuries, everybody knows that. Even when a baby is well in his three...


Leaving Arthur alone and supporting him for as long as it takes - yields first results: Arthur realizes the vest is not made of lead and water is quite safe and starts moving his arms and legs, pushing himself towards the side of the pool. Now it's important not to hold excitement and pride within and keep telling him what a smart and amazing kid he is. And as he keeps on hearing being praised, his kicking and scooping become stronger and more confident, his face becomes more relaxed and brights up and as he reaches the side of the pool he exclaims:


- I swam! I swam on my own.
- You did indeed! You did such an amazing job! See, you were afraid at first, but then you pushed yourself, and did your best, and stayed focused - and swam on your own! If you are brave, persistent and strong - you can do anything you want and you can learn to do anything you want!


Happy. Exited. Proud of himself:
- I want to swim again!


And we swim again to the middle of the pool, and then back to the side. And again. And he is happy for climbing this mountain, and I am happy for him, and the sun shines and the wind gets  stronger, and he is shivering , and it's almost 6 and time to leave.


-Sweetie, let's go.
- I don't want to leave!
- It's time to go!
- I want to swim!
- You're shivering, wet, cold and your lips are turning blue.
- No! I want to swim more!!!


***efilymkcuf***